tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87057056989323688702024-03-12T16:58:31.269-06:00The Heresies of Joe d'ArcThis is my place to write, comment, think, rant, and otherwise do what I want with my thoughts. Although I titled my blog with the word "heresies" the content will range to whatever topic I feel like writing on--and that does include my official heresies as a gay LDS man.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-19154160059385856952016-03-15T05:54:00.000-06:002016-03-15T05:54:13.548-06:00Having Empathy For Yourself?<br />
My therapist recently presented an idea that was very difficult for me to understand: having empathy for yourself. I'm still not sure I get it. It's definitely a concept I've never encountered before. As she described it, empathy for yourself requires you to not be critical of yourself. I think I haven't heard of this idea because it's so contrary to the general culture we have in the US, and then greatly amplified in the LDS culture where I was taught that I need to be constantly making sure I'm thinking and acting "righteously."<br /><br /><br />I'm still not sure I really understand how to have empathy for myself. So I thought it would be good to understand empathy in general, and then try to apply its aspects to myself. I like the work of Brené Brown and how she defines aspects like empathy:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/1Evwgu369Jw/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/1Evwgu369Jw?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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As given in the video, Wiseman defined empathy as having these qualities:</div>
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<li>"Perspective taking: the ability to take the perspective of [a] person, or recognize their perspective as their truth"</li>
<li>"Staying out of judgement"</li>
<li>"Recognizing emotion in ... people" and</li>
<li>Communicating the recognition of emotion in the person</li>
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How does someone take these traits and apply them to them-self?<br />
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<b>Perspective Taking</b></div>
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Taking the perspective of yourself would seem self fulfilling as our individual perspective is constantly our own. While somewhat true, it's not the full picture. Yes we have each of our own perspectives, but we are constantly trying to anticipate the perspectives of others (in a non-empathetic way). As Jean-Paul Sartre wrote in <i>No Exit</i>, "<a href="https://youtu.be/JzYPUP6LR5Y?t=2m13s" target="_blank">Hell is other people</a>." We are all too aware of other people watching and--as the next section covers--judging. (I am at this moment realizing how the idea of God eternally watching every one of our individual thoughts and deeds can create a constant sense of Sartre's Hell.) In anticipating the "other's" perspective we remove our-self from our own perspective, thereby not allowing empathy for our-self. In having empathy for yourself, perhaps we need to learn how to drop such expectations. We need to find the place where we let our own perspective be our truth, instead of constantly trying to mentally nag and adjust ourselves to the "truth" of the "other."<br /><br /><b>Staying Out of Judgement</b><br /><br />Judgment is one of those concepts that is widely used. I've always struggled with it a bit as it's also one of those words that's never really well defined. (I have a number of other words and concept that seem to have the same problem.) So, what is judgment, really? I must say I'm still refining this concept down for myself. What I have so far, and what I think it mostly means for empathy, is the idea of not making decisions about <a href="https://youtu.be/1A_CAkYt3GY?t=5m15s" target="_blank">ethical values</a>, whether something is right or wrong, worthy of reward or punishment. This is a concept that runs contrary to general human nature, and even more so against cultures that teach one should be constantly vigilant against "evil" thoughts and deeds (e.g., what I heard from my LDS upbringing). It's very difficult to do, but as I've been learning about the concept of radical acceptance it is vital to good psychological health to be able to at least suspend value judgments and accept that something is. Empathy requires a grounding in reality. Jumping to judgement is an attempt to alter reality; change the past, present, or deterministic future. (Despite what some "Secret" certain people may claim to know, the universe doesn't shift reality to our wishes.)<br /><br /><b>Recognizing Emotion, and Communicating That Recognition</b></div>
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Again, this seems like an area that should be a given when applied to yourself. I am the one having the emotion to begin with, therefore I should be already aware of those emotions. In my personal experience, it definitely isn't the case. I can look back now at my life and see how I was clearly gay going back as far as I can remember. But that wasn't necessarily the case in my youth. I kept myself in denial of my sexuality all through my childhood and even past high school. I realize now that I had sexual attractions to other men and boys my age, but I always altered it in my conscious mind to something else. I didn't allow myself to recognize those emotions. It's much the same with suffering from PTSD. Yes, I realized I was anxious and angry, but again I didn't allow myself to recognize the true causes and the full aspects of what I felt. Even now, even with all the therapy and self study I do I struggle to identify and understand my own emotions at times. Of course, taking the care to acknowledge and understand your own emotions is very core to the idea of having empathy for yourself.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-57697721580747737022014-05-13T01:53:00.000-06:002014-05-13T01:53:07.043-06:00A Marathon of Bullshit!I ended up doing a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRHQiERYdyLgDZUhhQPzEAw" target="_blank">Penn & Teller: Bullshit!</a> marathon (all of season 1, half of season 2, plus a few other episodes). Overall I like it and I plan on watching the rest of the episodes. I may even do a number of posts based on certain episodes. <br />
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Before I start getting into specific subjects, I want to first mention something that kind of bugs me about the tone the show takes at times. There's a definite Libertarian bend to it (especially when mentioning taxes). It's somewhat common how they will berate someone from or something in the government for screwing something up or perpetuating some false/misleading information. This often seems to set off implications about the inherent ineptitude of government and how government is not to be trusted, and so on in usual Libertarian style philosophy. This bothers me a little as I do not quite bend in that direction, but I can understand it. However, what gets me is that fairly often there will be an argument in the same segment about how there is regulation by a government agency and they will use that as a good thing to support their claims or to debunk what they are going up against. I can't help feeling there is some hypocrisy there.<br />
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Of course, I think I still like the show because of the fact that they tend to admit to their own hypocrisy (albeit in some subtle ways); actually don't mind people believing or living in debunked ways as long as those people aren't hurting, manipulating, scamming, etc. others; and even occasionally call bullshit on some things they have believed in their own lives. As one philosopher friend of mine says, "You cannot go through life without being hypocritical. Just don't be hypocritical about your hypocrisy."Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-9039037884413763152014-05-11T13:18:00.003-06:002014-05-11T13:18:51.442-06:00Hairspray and Changes in PrejudiceSome years ago, when I watched the movie musical <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0427327/?ref_=nv_sr_1" target="_blank">Hairspray</a> a thought came to my mind. I think it was something of the point to the movie, and maybe even what John Waters had in mind when he first made the original movie. To sum it up I made this "meme":<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVXak5nEQFv0oAxm1wp0JkoEIW9s0lEH8H-zwlHw8o-oqCKhZIKk8vdYmnfIj2LvIgikTZE3SqtghLZATZX5FEXL3aMIWrxPjG43G26ePgerdmpgA1ojeCWlAlsGQQ9VPuWAYTxsrqhV5e/s1600/Whites+only+to+no+fat+chicks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVXak5nEQFv0oAxm1wp0JkoEIW9s0lEH8H-zwlHw8o-oqCKhZIKk8vdYmnfIj2LvIgikTZE3SqtghLZATZX5FEXL3aMIWrxPjG43G26ePgerdmpgA1ojeCWlAlsGQQ9VPuWAYTxsrqhV5e/s1600/Whites+only+to+no+fat+chicks.jpg" height="640" width="340" /></a></div>
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Before people start going off I will say a few things. No, racism is far from over. Fat shaming and racism is not the same thing. What I am saying is that I feel, especially as a person of size, is that the cultural acceptance of racial prejudice from the past has been and is being replaced with a cultural acceptance of prejudice against people who are overweight. Also, it's not just women who are shamed for it. Men are also deeply shamed for it as well. Also, the demands of what is considered "acceptable" for male appearance is becoming more and more demanding, as discussed in this <a href="http://www.mensjournal.com/magazine/building-a-bigger-action-hero-20140418" target="_blank">article</a> about what is being demanded from movie actors.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-87360388103492706052013-01-25T08:51:00.001-07:002013-01-25T08:51:40.864-07:00Sometimes Walls Are About Keeping Things InI want you to come along with me on an emotional thought experiment. This is the best analogy I have been able to formulate in my mind, even with its flaws and hyperbole, to try to bring others along to the appropriate levels of sympathy of my emotional state.<br />
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Imagine you were raped. Not an I-regret-what-I-did-last-night, morning-after regret kind of "rape"; a brutal, violent rape where you were left for dead. Now the rapist is not just a random stranger. This person is someone you know and your community knows. They are prominent, well regarded, and heavily involved in both the community at large and your own personal life. This person is someone you grew up being taught to admire, respect, trust, and follow.<br /><br />As time goes by after your rape, you learn about other people the rapist has attacked and abused. Some have died. Others take their own lives later. Still, many survive and live with the scars. Accusations have been made against the rapist. Legal action has been attempted. In the end, however, no solidly convicting evidence comes forth. Plus, given the person's prominence and public image in the community, many turn a blind eye, dismiss the charges as "evil" people trying to destroy a good person, or even justifying the events in favor of the rapist. If anything, the result is you are the one the community sees as the villain. You are censured. You are blamed for the damage. You are damaged further by trying to come out about the events.<br />
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Imagine, with all of this, how you would feel whenever the rapist would be treated as an exemplary person. Consider what it might bring up whenever someone praises the rapist for all the "good" they do for both the community and the praiser themselves. Now, consider that this person praising the rapist is not just anyone; they are someone in a relationship with the rapist where they are being abused directly. How would you feel about that scenario? How might you react?<br /><br />To put this analogy into place--and I remind you I admit it is with its flaws and hyperbole--this is how I feel about the LDS church in regards to my PTSD. From my mission experience where I was emotionally and even physically abused and manipulated to the point of suicide, to the constant war they have backed and fought against homosexuals I have been violated. I have been working for over a decade to somehow deal with this violation. Much of what I have written in this blog has been some part of that process. However, it is never enough. I cannot escape my own anxiety. Living in Utah, I cannot avoid the omnipresent culture and influence of the church in general society and communities. I cannot find complete healing for the damage that has been and continues to be done to my soul.<br /><br />In the past I have tried to make a reconciliation between myself and the LDS church. Until very recently I thought I had reached a reasonably good place. However, I realize now that is not the case. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, I walled myself in emotionally. I stopped letting myself think about it. I kept away from people who talked about it. When all else failed, I just blocked it off. I think that is, at least in part, why I have had such gaps in writing the past few years.<br />
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But this hasn't been so much about keeping things out as it has been about keeping things in. PTSD is a condition where one re-experiences painful emotions. Regardless of time that has passed, the emotions return will as full a force as they had when the original experience happened. My emotional walls are the dam holding back the massive, nearly limitless reservoir of anger and pain. Those walls keep the emotions suppressed from my consciousness and prevent them from bursting out and harming others. But despite being out of sight and out of (conscious) mind it is still all there, pressurized in the container I've made for it. I do not know how to release it. Perhaps one day I thought I did, but not now. At the moment I don't really see options beyond either suffocating behind the walls I've built or being swept away in a dam burst of pain and anger to rampage and further damage myself and most likely others.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-38220596066035883822012-12-06T19:41:00.002-07:002012-12-06T19:41:51.688-07:00Gay Men and the "Ideal" Body<div class="tr_bq">
A Facebook friend posed the questions below about gay men and physical attractiveness. I wanted to share them, with my answers, as it goes along with my personal issues with body image and trying (or not trying, as is my current status) to date.</div>
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<br />TRUE OR FALSE:<br />1) Gay men are primarily or even exclusively physically attracted to athletic, muscular builds (v-shaped torso, defined pecs and abs)</blockquote>
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2) For gay men, physical attraction is the primary or even exclusive determinant in whether they will initiate a conversation with another gay man</blockquote>
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3) For gay men, physical attraction is the primary or even exclusive determinant in whether they will respond to a conversation initiated by another gay man</blockquote>
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4) Gay men place a higher priority on the physical aspects (including attraction and sexual chemistry/compatibility) of a prospective relationship than on the emotional aspects</blockquote>
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5) The likelihood of any of the above statements being "true" for any individual gay man increases in proportion to how closely he approximates the "ideal" of male beauty (i.e. the above are more likely to be true of hunks/twinks than of bears)</blockquote>
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For each of the above, please answer T/F for how accurately you feel it describes a *majority* of gay men and then again (if you're comfortable doing so, and if you are a gay man) for how accurately you feel it describes *you*.</blockquote>
For a visual approximation of what is being held as the "attractive" athletic, muscular builds here is this relatively modest picture:<br /><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.huffpost.com/gen/457541/thumbs/r-MALE-MODELS-large570.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i.huffpost.com/gen/457541/thumbs/r-MALE-MODELS-large570.jpg" height="166" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Note: this is a stock image, I do not make any assumptions as to the actual sexuality of the models shown</span></span></td></tr>
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Here are my responses to the questionnaire:<br /><br />
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<br />I'm actually seeking therapy for my messed up ideas on this subject. Where I think emotionally about the issue, and where my experience places it is that #1-4 are true, and #5 is false. As a large gay man (300+lbs) this goes hand in hand with very destructive self image issues. (I'm not sure which is the cause of the other; I do know they feed off of each other.)</blockquote>
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As for my current personal reality:</blockquote>
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1 - True. I'm predominantly attracted to athletic, muscular bodies. I do have attractions to men who are not that type, but not as strongly or as frequently.</blockquote>
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2 - False. I will converse with most people regardless of how attractive I find them, unless they have some aspect I find an outright turn off. As I think about it, physical attraction may actually deter me some from trying to converse with some people.</blockquote>
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3 - Part of me wants to say True. However, I'm not sure if this is the reality of the situation, or if I'm just projecting more of my insecurities. In the end I feel I must say, I don't know.</blockquote>
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4 - True. I do think the majority of gay men do this. However, I don't think it's a vast majority. As for myself, this is one of the main issues as to why I'm seeking therapy. I realize I do this, but I don't want to be the kind of guy who does it. Also, given my emotional beliefs about the previous questions this attitude is very detrimental to my interaction with other gay men, and especially in my trying to date.</blockquote>
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5 - False. As I've shown above, I'm definitely not one who falls into the "ideal" of physical attractiveness. However, I'm riddled with the attitudes of the previous statements. With gay men in general, my experience is that most go for that "ideal" attractiveness regardless of what they, themselves look like; that is why it is the "ideal". On the other side, I have not seen a strong correlation between those who prefer certain other types, such as bears, and their own appearance.</blockquote>
<br />P.S. I found this article rather interesting along with this discussion: <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/06/gay-mens-body-image-near-_n_1189380.html">Gay Men's Body Image: Near 50 Percent Would Sacrifice 1 Year Of Their Lives For The Perfect Body, Survey Finds</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-90729607980580533552012-10-24T21:12:00.001-06:002012-10-24T21:12:01.213-06:00Returning With A Conversation On Government AssistanceThis blog has been quiet for some time. Honestly, I just couldn't stand to write about things for a while. Now, I feel the need to write a bit again. I think it's because my health is improving, for the most part, and I am able to think things through and argue a bit better without succoming to major anxiety issues.<br /><br />Today, I want to share a back and forth I've had on Facebook about the issue of assistance programs, in particular government programs. Over the past months, and in the past few days in particular, I have noticed an increase in the comments and meme pictures about people abusing programs such as food stamps. This morning I shared this picture:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtHPE6Zwt2fFBpvvM5DSwkNXqZ6d-tGGQIsQwl3AsZMYMKdeTfWzZhVK1B_7UcJzBlKfxbypFCxJpXSBIILxKN6hweZpSPlfUZyG2pM23auYpayBUWk4vXPZQvDA9LyZtTUvnLtz9i9PCP/s1600/59676_504940102850306_492746667_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtHPE6Zwt2fFBpvvM5DSwkNXqZ6d-tGGQIsQwl3AsZMYMKdeTfWzZhVK1B_7UcJzBlKfxbypFCxJpXSBIILxKN6hweZpSPlfUZyG2pM23auYpayBUWk4vXPZQvDA9LyZtTUvnLtz9i9PCP/s320/59676_504940102850306_492746667_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">with the caption/comment: </span><span style="color: blue;">"There seems to be a bit of a general meme lately ragging on people receiving assistance such as food stamps. Let's take a moment and look at the larger picture about government assistance."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 1.38;">I </span></span>received a comment from a person whom I don't know, but apparently we know some people in common. I will identify their comments simply as from CKC.<br /><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>CKC</b>: The BIG difference is companies usually shows a return on investment and HELP out the economy vs. the other group that frequently only takes and gives nothing back to the economy.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: blue;"><b>Me</b>: I think people too easily dismiss how much the poor contribute to the economy. Also, while assistance to the poor may not show quite the direct return, much study has gone into how it does make a return of investment to the economy and even government.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: red;"><b>CKC</b>: I do agree that many that receive assistance do eventually contribute to the economy......but all too many able adults play the "Oh, poor me card - the world owes me." I worked with a gentleman that had the IQ of probably a four year old. HE came to work everyday and cleaned our building and loved doing it. We also had a gentleman there that had lost his legs in a war. He worked just as hard as everyone else doing manual labor. HE was very fulfilled in life. A great guy. My children go to school with a child that has NO arms and NO legs. HE is unstoppable. You can not tell that child that he is disabled. He writes much neater than my children. He gets up stairs and down stairs all by himself. He plays sports. He can carve a pumpkin!</span><br /><br /><span style="color: blue;"><b>Me</b>: Yes, and do you realize that many of those people you list will never be allowed/chosen to fill positions and earn enough to fully support themselves? These people work, in many ways harder than many "average" people. However, due to their conditions they will most likely need additional assistance to be able to afford to cover the medical needs they have to be and remain productive, contributing member of society. In fact these people are probably only able to be where they are and do what they due because of the very programs people are constantly saying are a waste because it just coddles a bunch of "freeloaders" and "parasites" who "give nothing back to the economy." As for "the world owes me," it's hardly just the poor who say that. Everyone, at some point in some way, say it. If anything I've seen that mentality more and more from the very wealthy over the past years.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;"><br />What bothers me is the mentality I see of so many who completely dismiss anyone receiving assistance as inherently unworthy of it and even a waste of flesh. No consideration is given to what they may have contributed in the past, what they could contribute in the future, or what they are even contributing in the present. Another issue is how much people think it's easy to receive assistance. Putting aside the intense social stigma, personal shame, and all too often hidden soul breaking hardships people go through, I don't think many (any?) people who criticize the poor realize the onerous gauntlet it is to apply to, qualify for, and sustain oneself on public assistance programs. Nothing is just "given" out; everything is scrutinized; all claims must be validated over and over and over again; and the process takes months, if not years, before any actual benefits are paid. No surplus is given and none is allowed--and should a surplus somehow be obtained the assistance is quickly ended. People subsist on poor quality food because it's cheap, and that way they will at least have something to eat the next day. The housing one can afford is barely within zoning requirements, and grossly lacking in anything that would be considered a "comfort." Utilities and basic amenities that have become essential to functionality in today's world must be sacrificed because they are too much of a "luxury" compared to being able to eat and keep from freezing during the night. ...<br /><br />... All the while, they must endure a constant stream of politician threatening to remove any and all support they have to their survival, and a constant barrage of shaming criticism from people who feel put upon because their actually very low taxes meant the difference between getting the new iPhone the day it came out or a couple weeks later.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-35510640373933292162010-07-28T22:18:00.002-06:002010-07-28T22:36:25.521-06:00My ResignationDear Utah (and US) job market (and general society):<br /><br />I quit.<br /><br />I no longer wish to deal with your expectations as they tear at my psyche and leave me feeling worthless and unwanted. I am not "highly energetic," "upbeat," or "outgoing." I do not multitask, answer phones, or "enjoy" trying to help the proudly mindless masses. I do not own a car, let alone have a driver's license--nor do I see myself getting them anytime in my future. I refuse to be marked down and treated as inefficient due to the flaws in your own systems and/or the failings of others. I am not willing to drop the care and management of my medical needs for the sake of your arbitrary hours of operation.<br /><br />I am a highly focused, intelligent, efficient person. I practically thrive off of tedium. I enjoy organizing, thinking, and working at my own pace. I am melancholy in personality, but that does not mean I am unpleasant. I prefer to understand what I am doing and how it works with the larger process rather than just going at my part by rote.<br /><br />Please contact me when you are willing to work with my capabilities and no longer demanding what I cannot give or do.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Ryan R. HollistAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-43320264153722599992010-06-04T15:50:00.002-06:002010-06-04T16:31:33.065-06:00A Smashing Pride Kick OffLast night I attended a party to kick off the SLC Pride weekend. The event was hosted by some friends of mine--whom I have not kept in touch with very well for the last couple years. It was good to see them again, even if we didn't really get to catch up much. I also enjoyed mashing buttons and getting thoroughly trounced in the Smash Brothers tournament. Other than that I was rather annoyed with the evening.<br /><br />As I have been getting out and socializing more these days, I am realizing why I don't do it much in general to begin with. I don't keep the volume down as low as some people I know, but when I must strain my voice to speak it's too loud for me. After a while of being in the middle of the throbbing electronica, I had to go outside and lie on the grass to keep from being sick. Also, I don't drink alcohol, smoke, or care for... well... other stuff. I've never found any real enjoyment out of my experience with them. In fact, my system seems far more interested in trying to let me know how much it doesn't appreciate being exposed to any of it, rather than responding in whatever amazingly great way it seems to for so many others.<br /><br />As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP*) I have a low threshold of tolerance for stimuli. Crocheting and watching MST3K is plenty exciting for me when it comes to an evening's entertainment. I think this is why I usually find general socializing with LDS people more tolerable than the gay community. The former tends to run at a more restrained level--sober, in multiple meaning of the word--that my system can tolerate.<br /><br />-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-<br />*This is from <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Overwhelms-SENSITIVE/dp/B002G7CZTO/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1275688733&sr=8-10">The Highly Sensitive Person</a> by Elaine N. Aron. As a book about a general trait, this book describes me very, very well. If I had the money, I would buy a copy for every supervisor/manager and HR director I work with.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-39347642720319796072010-05-03T11:07:00.004-06:002010-05-03T11:36:08.562-06:00Finishing My Grandmother's Afghan<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm54h6dLRFau1sQXCYVqBJb_ThYch6eAfAVfbIeXate5JTxsQIFSsFnmO0ky_8IILB4GossLdvo2_5MG6FzGz6n7ukNk9KE3NUCHCuALqewFJJ3de8e3yMtIsrvevwku7_x6dE5HTZzezQ/s1600/DSC00019%5B1%5D.JPG"><img style="margin: 10pt 10pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 318px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm54h6dLRFau1sQXCYVqBJb_ThYch6eAfAVfbIeXate5JTxsQIFSsFnmO0ky_8IILB4GossLdvo2_5MG6FzGz6n7ukNk9KE3NUCHCuALqewFJJ3de8e3yMtIsrvevwku7_x6dE5HTZzezQ/s320/DSC00019%5B1%5D.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467094598247616338" border="0" /></a>Last week my aunt, Karen, gave me a box full of knitted squares. These were done by her mother, whom we often called "Flo Baby," and a few other relatives. The project had started a few years ago when Karen saw an afghan in a magazine. The project was put aside when Flo was diagnosed with cancer and later passed away. The box sat for a couple years in storage.<br /><br />With me starting Joe d'Arc Crochet, my step-mother, Marla and Karen sister, suggested I should be able to finish piecing together the squares. I spent the last week completing the project and delivered the finished project to Karen yesterday evening.<br /><br />Working<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy5u9gxLYH0alaJYvvqObuvDLp3K-O5Pegb-WSvFfVH5T-scDuEewZXPHPlVaF4YW6VJFWJX9RDtm_g7J5bkSBnOiat2VwBM0f2mrNBZ5fwIFqJXXMIH-jkLbXdxg4Iq1y6jpbewK_tG2s/s1600/DSC00027.JPG"><img style="margin: 10pt 10pt 10px 10px; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 204px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgy5u9gxLYH0alaJYvvqObuvDLp3K-O5Pegb-WSvFfVH5T-scDuEewZXPHPlVaF4YW6VJFWJX9RDtm_g7J5bkSBnOiat2VwBM0f2mrNBZ5fwIFqJXXMIH-jkLbXdxg4Iq1y6jpbewK_tG2s/s320/DSC00027.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467096849000319714" border="0" /></a> on this project has been an interesting experience for me. It has given me a sense of connecting with Flo after her passing as well as connecting with my aunt, Karen. It seemed especially appropriate to finish this project over this past week as all of Flo's daughters, all converts to the LDS church, did her temple work. I even did some of the work while sitting in the temple waiting room as they went through the sealing session.<br /><br />No other project has given me such a profound sense of accomplishment as this one has.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-76193502438556957852010-05-03T10:55:00.002-06:002010-05-03T11:07:03.758-06:00Reviewing the Past In Light of the PresentBlogging has definitely become less of a priority for me. Another month has passed by without a post. I've had a number of things I've thought about writing about. However, it just doesn't seem like something I need to do so much. As I said before, I tend to write more when I'm down and negative. The past month has been one of continued, general improvement. At the moment I can say my general feelings of well-being and mental heath are the best they have been in at least five years. All this has made me wonder about what I have written on this blog in the past.<br /><br />I started this blog as a way of trying to vent and deal with issues I had over the past couple years when I was in a poor state of mental health. As I read over past entries I can easily see the high level of general anxiety I was under during that time. However, I cannot think of much, if anything, I would change about what I wrote. Perhaps some subtle aspects of tone would change if I were to (re)write them now. One great validation to myself in reviewing these old posts is the ability I retained, despite the anxiety, of being able to still hear my internal voice of reason.<br /><br />Over the past while I have had the experience of associating with and/or dealing with people who had no internal check on reason and rationality. As much as I have suffered in my own problems and condition I at least have been blessed to keep contact with at least some small part of my mind that tells me "This isn't rational." I'm so grateful for it, I have started to cry as I write this.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-77778918521962737802010-04-01T21:02:00.004-06:002010-04-01T21:43:36.136-06:00Back to BloggingIt has been over two months since my last post. The situation of my life made it a little difficult to comfortably sit down and write about what has been going on. There is something about using a computer that isn't one's own that just leaves one feeling not quite right about writing. (I realize it's kind of silly, especially since this gets openly published for the world to see.)<br /><br />Over the past two months my general situation has notably improved. I feel very good about the level of care I am receiving and the competence of those administering it. Perhaps that is the other reason I haven't been blogging much: I feel more like writing when I'm down and negative. I got with a new nurse practitioner with Weber Human Services to monitor and manage my medications. We have things at a level that I feel is the best I've been in the last 2-3 years.<br /><br />I am still unemployed. I have been looking, but with the market and economy as it is the cards seem stacked against me. I have started with a new Voc Rehab counselor here in Weber county. She admitted that it will be difficult for me as I have a rather choppy work history (the longest I've held a job over the past decade was a couple months short of two years). In the mean time I am still working on trying to get either SSI or SSDI coverage so I can take care of living expenses. However, I was told it would take around six months for a decision to be made about qualifying.<br /><br />Probably the biggest piece of news in my life over the past few months is the small business I'm trying to get started selling my crochet work. I named it <a href="http://JoeDArcCrochet.etsy.com">Joe d'Arc Crochet</a> after my online alias (I also think Joe d'Arc is a little bit more marketable than Ryan Hollist).<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrGP-p9VukUUUnWoy20ahwZ6NdD2ngz9Wi7YNNSRrkq0NZhNDxpo3IpJIeLORVAmQJB0UzVj3e4OYZoXIHLL0lvy5hviMW2ZsfGK06LW5cAVzxYeTdA7LEtxxRcU2CqsOBXoQHwDpCNDXw/s1600/JDC+Etsy+banner.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 42px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrGP-p9VukUUUnWoy20ahwZ6NdD2ngz9Wi7YNNSRrkq0NZhNDxpo3IpJIeLORVAmQJB0UzVj3e4OYZoXIHLL0lvy5hviMW2ZsfGK06LW5cAVzxYeTdA7LEtxxRcU2CqsOBXoQHwDpCNDXw/s320/JDC+Etsy+banner.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455377539765843666" /></a><br /><br />I opened a store front on <a href="http://www.etsy.com">Etsy.com</a> back in December and have listed the items I could from what materials I have available. So far it has been very slow, but some have shown interest. Just a couple weeks ago I decided to make as serious an effort as I can with this business. I made a basic flyer showing some of the work I've done and even made a <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Joe-dArc-Crochet/107257959300908?v=photos#!/pages/Joe-dArc-Crochet/107257959300908?v=wall">Facebook fan page</a>. I also contacted some local stores to see if they would be willing to sell some of my work on consignment. Last week the store manager of <a href="http://www.9thand9th.com/our-merchants-1-16/area-businesses/cahoots.html">Cahoots</a> (an LGBT themed novelty store in Salt Lake) said she would like to see my work and talk about selling some of my work. Other than that, it has been difficult trying to get things started. I've used what material I have and turned around the money I got from the couples sales I've had to replenish supplies. However, it is difficult trying to get any kind of business going when one has almost no capital to invest.<br /><br />I have much more to write about, but I will put it in a separate post.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-60379216060586377822010-01-20T15:32:00.007-07:002010-01-20T16:49:45.994-07:00Indignation and a "Disturbance In the Force"Over this past weekend I felt an increase in my sense of indignation regarding what I consider to be fear mongering, perpetuation misinformation, and outright lying--to name a few--by individuals and organizations that fight against LGBT rights, including same-sex marriage. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been among these, and I found myself particularly focusing on the arguments they made during the push for California's Proposition 8. All of this seemed to reach a near "disturbance in the Force" kind of level with my soul. I decided, Monday, to finally write a brief letter to my new bishop along with providing him copies of the disciplinary council decision from 2001 when I was officially disfellowshipped from the body of the church and a copy of the letter I sent to the last bishop I spoke with about my sexuality.<br /><br />I was wondering why I felt this way; I was trying to figure out why I suddenly had these feelings and thoughts come on. At first I thought it may be a combination of my depression, continuing to work out my appropriate medication levels, following the updates from Facebook friends on the progress of the Perry v. Schwarzenegger court arguments, and having met with my Elders' Quorum President on Sunday for a standard quarterly PPI (personal priesthood interview). Perhaps it is part of all these. However, given what came out today in Perry v. Schwarzenegger I feel perhaps I somehow sensed this coming.<br /><br />From <a href="http://prideinutah.com/2010/01/20/mormon-prop-8-involvement-exposed-during-prop-8-trial/">PRIDE In Utah!</a>:<br /><br /><blockquote>Even after Pro-8 counsel fought furiously to keep them hidden, documents from within the LDS/Mormon hierarchy were ruled as valid by Judge Walker today. The first was an email detailing that the Prop 8 Campaign was “entirely under direction of the priesthood!” As the email was read it, detailed incredible details, such as the fact that the Mormon church had a “key-leader in every zip code in California,” organizing the efforts of pro-8. The document also describes plan for grassroots organizing based on church wards led by ward priests. Apparently, the LDS church had an average of 20,000 volunteers walking neighborhoods at any given time.<br /><br />The 2nd document is a record of the minutes in a meeting of the LDS officials. It details that Mormons were “not to take the lead, but to work within the coalition” in order to minimize negative impact on the church. In otherwords, the documents make it clear that 2 way flow of info between the campaign and the church was regular, but church pretended to lay low. The LDS church pushed for the campaign to privde the talking points, but it would provide the volunteers.</blockquote><br /><br />I have been upset before about what has been revealed about the involvement of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Proposition 8. Now, however, my indignation is just at its max. It's not anger; it's not hatred. Indignation is the only word I have for it. I am blown away by the level of hypocracy and lies this shows from the institutional levels of the organization that is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am seriously ready to let loose on the next person to accuse the LGBT community of picking on, twisting words of, or smearing the name of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The organization seems all too ready to do that to itself, and every serious, rational accusation made has so far been confirmed--and then some. I also will have nothing to do with those who argue they are fighting not a civil policy but a moral issue. Those who choose to fight so unethically, and with such blatant hypocracy, have no right to even try standing on claims of morality.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-87317847015918985952010-01-11T02:52:00.008-07:002010-01-11T16:52:49.565-07:00"Gone But Not Forgotten": Sex, Intimacy, Affection<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-TWBQS5MDNN1-_g_XjKgtD6RCSNKRA9vnpiI0SGH0kjk7LcKuZaTzsEpWtlMzmRATJNg_svDf58cZPPvYf_xYIWhsrK-1L7vgWfyr8a8aykvupScKOlHk5hrnwd1b2bhCuTrwzdJfbSa/s1600-h/Gone+But+Not+Forgotten.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 144px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 196px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425422448472814338" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-TWBQS5MDNN1-_g_XjKgtD6RCSNKRA9vnpiI0SGH0kjk7LcKuZaTzsEpWtlMzmRATJNg_svDf58cZPPvYf_xYIWhsrK-1L7vgWfyr8a8aykvupScKOlHk5hrnwd1b2bhCuTrwzdJfbSa/s320/Gone+But+Not+Forgotten.jpg" /></a>The other night I watched an Indie gay film titled <em><a href="http://www.tlavideo.com/product/2-0-194973_gone-but-not-forgotten.html?sn=3809">Gone But Not Forgotten</a></em>. Over the past few days and nights I have been thinking of the effect the movie had on me. (I will try to avoid plot spoilers.)<br /><br />The story is basic enough: Drew Parker, a forest ranger, rescues mark, a man with amnesia who fell from the cliffs. Their friendship soon becomes more, but their romance is threatened as Mark's forgotten past comes back to claim him.<br /><br />Other than Mark's amnesia, the plot uses very little, if any, complex or stilted plot devices. Also, being a low-budget Indie film, some quality is lacking at points and there are at least two scenes I feel the actors' deliveries were a little flat. However, I still found it all very touching and profound. I have not been able to stop thinking of how it made me feel and what I think about issues of sex, intimacy, and affection.<br /><br />For starters, some of the things I found enjoyable about the film was what it lacked from most other gay cinema. There weren't any bars, dance clubs, back rooms, or "fabulously" outrageous drag queens that all too often dress the scenes. There weren't bitchy drama queens, mannish lesbians, or youth obsessed twinks filling out the cast. Other than some natural nods to the usual angst of being gay men and the final explanation of what sent Mark to the mountain, the story could easily be have been about a heterosexual couple.<br /><br />What struck me the most was the development of the relationship between Drew and Mark. If it were not for knowing the film is gay cinema, the romantic connection between the two men doesn't begin to become apparent until nearly thirty minutes into the film. That the writer and director take the time to show the men developing a friendship into a romance is something I have rarely seen in gay cinema. My experience is most of the time the relationship seems to start with sex and everything else comes later. Even when the romance becomes known there is a delay and development before any sex actually occurs. There is a real sense of a meaningful relationship developing, not just a flurry of passion and romance.<br /><br />When the characters do actually have sex it is probably the only such scene I have seen in gay cinema I really feel should be called a "love scene." Most other films seem to rely on the styles and modes used in porn. While I know some who would call this particular scene pornographic, there is a definite difference in how it is handled. The montage is slow, deliberate, caring, affectionate, and really portrays two people joining together in intimacy--not just getting off together.<br /><br />This is the difficulty I have with much of the portrayal and discussion of sex in both gay culture and general society. The sense of intimacy, affection, and emotional impact often seem lost. Sex seems more like an itch to be scratched. Now, I'm not pure on this either. I've had more than my share of sexual partners over the past eleven years. The vast majority of them have been out of a desire to appease my libido, and it is because of these experiences that I strongly believe sex needs to be treated as something more than a biological urge.<br /><br />I often hear the argument that men are better at separating sex from love. While I'm sure there is some supporting research surveys, this does not describe me. For me, physical touch is inextricably linked to affection and intimacy. I remember in my adolescence wishing I could hug my friends to show them how I cared about them, but I didn't as such displays are not considered appropriate, especially between boys/men. One of the things I actually liked about my mission was that the Elders would actually hug each other. Although I understood why, I didn't like it when my mission president said we shouldn't be doing it so often, especially in public. My desire and need for physical affection and intimacy are such that, although it would be difficult, I would rather go without sex for the rest of my life as long as I had someone to hold, and who would hold me back.<br /><br />This is what watching <em>Gone But Not Forgotten</em> has evoked in me: seeing such a portrayal of affection and intimacy brings up such a powerful yearning for it myself that I feel physically ill when I think about it. It is not a matter of libido; although, it is not divorced from it either. It is not about sex; although that is a natural extension and expression of what I yearn for. As Drew puts it, "I just want somebody to come home to. Somebody that wants to come home to me too. That when they walk out that door, I know that they're gonna walk back in again."Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-29421712499043389862010-01-10T04:22:00.010-07:002010-01-10T07:02:33.563-07:00Body ImageAs a preface, I want to say this entry is perhaps one of the most difficult entries I will ever write. I am a very open person, in general. I usually find myself holding back on what I feel comfortable talking. This, however, is a topic I feel much shame about, and it is because of that shame I feel I need to start addressing it more directly.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwB_RTi0Z9yMPF9wSD_iOzX4eDCgMUUAk2MN4O6wBDSjPfO1iFZWtFdB3d2Wh3lfYVgqCh6u15JC5uIrC9qfCBfzWaFUR-g2ofGnzP3ZuZwYn31EVOzaSPi32XZaDL-uWzi1R6-nLx0HNX/s1600-h/Ryan+Colorguard.BMP"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 140px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425074113372256498" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwB_RTi0Z9yMPF9wSD_iOzX4eDCgMUUAk2MN4O6wBDSjPfO1iFZWtFdB3d2Wh3lfYVgqCh6u15JC5uIrC9qfCBfzWaFUR-g2ofGnzP3ZuZwYn31EVOzaSPi32XZaDL-uWzi1R6-nLx0HNX/s200/Ryan+Colorguard.BMP" /></a> I've never been a skinny person; I've always been at least "chunky." Even in my teenage years, when I slimmed up a bit due to growth spurts and the exercise I got in marching band, I was overweight. I still remember being measured for my colorguard costume at the beginning of my senior year and my waist being thirty-nine inches. I still consider the photograph of me in my costume to be the best picture ever taken of me. When I performed my senior-year Winterguard solo for a school assembly a friend told me how someone next to him said, "He's the fat, gay guy." In elementary school kids called me "sumo" on the playground. (Although, breaking with the stereotype, I actually enjoyed dodge ball and did fairly well at it.) I also felt very self-conscious around my step-mother, who was always trying to lose those ten or twenty pounds most middle-age women have.<br /><br />It is my birth mother I keep coming back to as the root of the damage that has been reinforced through almost every stage of my life. I remember her being very blunt about my weight and size. One incident that sticks out very clearly in my mind is when I was about six or seven, after my parents' divorce and she was allowed visitation under the supervision of a social worker. I don't remember exactly what my mother said. I know it was something about my size, or how I needed to lose weight. I was so upset with her I got out of my chair and kicked her in the shin. Looking back, I think this was a major incident in the social worker telling the courts it wasn't healthy for us children to be visiting our mother. Even after I was no longer keeping direct contact with her she would send me herbal diet supplements--usually nasty, bitter herbal teas.<br /><br />As I've discussed this history with therapists, it seems there is no wonder why I have such a deeply shamed-in negative body image. It haunts me where ever I go, coloring almost everything I do. I almost always seem to have the thought in the back of my mind wondering how many people are looking at me in judgement and/or disgust because of my weight. <a href="http://www.menshealth.com/"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5425091299854949330" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3UjEeo9f1A9s1BS6TZJyREkPQM3-jfU9bT3q1uopBRllcVpWKQdNJQ3w8JNBZg2TFl9q8MbeWipJmF-BduIVMPW6U-OyVWi6VNkn4pfFcFkQaGELhyphenhyphenGYP-91Lw4m5QbqcXOy0MIwyje6d/s200/Mens+Health+Cover+01-10.jpg" /></a>Intellectually, I can reason that the number is probably not that high, but emotionally it is difficult to feel people don't look at me the same way I look at myself. Our general culture is bad enough with how it enforces unrealistic body images. Just the other day I was with a friend at the grocery store and we stopped at the magazine rack. We took a moment and really looked at some of the covers and how unrealistic the models looked with all the air brushing and Photoshop work. I particularly took notice of the cover of the latest Men's Health Magazine. I was horrified at the level of computer work they did on the photo. I wonder if they even bothered with a model, or if they just generated the whole thing electronically.<br /><br />It's even worse as a gay man. The culture is deeply youth obsessed and steeped in body worship. Porn stars are held up as idols and the yard stick by which to be judged. I know this is an over generalization, but it is difficult to see past it when the entrance to the dating scene is covered by signs saying "NO Fatties!"--and other qualifiers I will leave out to keep this blog reasonably family friendly. Perhaps the most shaming thing about all of this is the hypocrisy I feel with myself. While I so deeply resent being treated the way I am because of my weight, I realize my judgements and desires are much the same. I may not be at the level of some--refusing to even consider someone with a waist size of 30 or more, or requiring a large genitals to body fat ratio--but I still find myself looking at the magazine covers and not wanting to settle for less (or more, as the case may be).<br /><br />I've tried to go on diets, only to be so crazed with cravings I felt like I was going through the DT's. I had times when I wished so desperately to lose weight by any means I wished I could bring myself to be bulimic. (Part of me feels weak and even more shameful for not being able to even do that.) Exercise is difficult as I really don't enjoy it for the most part. The exercise classes I have taken I usually find to be run at an energy level I just simply can't maintain.<br /><br />I did find something of a release from all this shame for a time. In the fall of 2004, I read <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Coming-Out-Act-Love-Plume/dp/0452266858">Coming Out: An Act of Love</a></em> by Rob Eichberg, Ph.D. In the second chapter, Dr. Eichberg has a questionnaire asking the reader to respond to questions about how they feel about such things as being worthwhile, lovable, telling the truth, etc. Each question is to be considered in the context of the reader's childhood, adolescence, and present feelings. I took the time and care to actually sit down and write out my responses. I did it without editing what came out. In some cases I didn't realize what I wrote until after it was on the page. One response came out in a very shocking way, and I have felt so much shame for even thinking this that I have never shared it before with anyone outside of therapy.<br /><br /><blockquote>Q: How do you feel about being lovable? Do you feel that there is anything you have to do, be, or say in order to be worthy of love?<br /><br />A: I keep seeing in my mind that if I had a better body things would be different. If I wasn't so fat, if I was more muscular, if my penis was larger things would be better. Basically if I was porn star worthy my life would be good. I'd be able to find a boyfriend who really loved me. I would have a far better social life. I wouldn't be so depressed, alone, and hating myself every time I see or feel the huge stores of fat on my body. I would be able to like myself.</blockquote><br /><br />I remember how surprised I was at my response. I physically felt a jolt of electricity pass through my brain as I finally pulled all these issues to the surface of my consciousness. After this things began to change. It wasn't all at once. Over the next year I let go of the sense of being judged by others and much of the shame I held for myself. I stopped worrying so much about what I ate and realized I started eating better. I got into an exercise routine that worked well for me and I was able to reasonably enjoy. I even pulled together the confidence to start asking guys out on dates. By the end of 2005 I had lost forty pounds, going from 280 to 240 pounds, and went down to a size 40 waist from 48.<br /><br />But it didn't last. Over the past few years I've gained the weight back and now weigh around 290 pounds and my waist size is back to 48. I get basically no exercise these days, and I can easily say I am in the worst shape of my life. Just walking a few blocks can leave me with aching legs and short of breath. I keep wondering what happened to stop and reverse the progress I made. Maybe I can blame my depression, hypothyroid, or some other things. Mostly, however, I think it was the changes in environment as I moved from place to place. When I had my epiphany and made good changes I was in places where I had the space and convenience to choose what I was going to do and how I would do it. I was also surrounded, mainly, by people I didn't feel any negative judgement from. Things began to change when I moved to a place where I felt the judgement and didn't have the space and convenience to do quite as I chose. Perhaps this is why the issue has become something that demands to be faced now. Over the past few months, and especially the past couple weeks, my situation has changed to be an environment where I feel even more restricted and judged.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-66143429189463332812009-12-24T22:03:00.007-07:002010-05-22T15:42:38.735-06:00Trying to Prove the Truth of My ExistenceOn my way up to visit family for Christmas, I was looking for a passage in <em>Practice in Christianity</em> by <a href="http://http//en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soren_kierkegaard">Søren Kierkegaard</a>. (I didn't find what I was looking for; when I do I'm sure I'll blog about it.) I came across a passage about recognizing truth (or ignoring it) when it is before us:<br /><br /><br /><blockquote><p>Pilate asks Christ the question: What is truth? ... That it can occur to Pilate at that moment to question Christ in this way demonstrates precisely that he has no eye at all for truth. ... [F]or in questioning Christ in this way ... he makes the self-disclosure that Christ's life has not explained to him what truth is--but how then could Christ with words enlighten Pilate about this when that which is truth, Christ's life, has not opened Pilate's eyes to what truth is! ... The question is just as foolish ... as if someone were to ask a man with whom he was standing and talking, "May I put this question to you, do you exist?" ... And what should that man really reply? "If someone by standing and talking with me cannot be certain that I exist, then my assurances cannot be of any use, since, after all, my assurances are certainly something much inferior to my existence" (XII 187 - 188).</p></blockquote>As I read this, a parallel struck me. It is a similar phenomenon with those who sit and argue against many things, refusing evidence and testimony against their beliefs. In particular I thought of those who deny the evidence and testimony of those who are homosexual. (I was thinking of this as I will be spending this Christmas in the company of a family member who holds to such views and opinions.) Often such people make the argument that homosexuality is a matter of psychological dysfunctions, childhood trauma, maladjustment to sexual maturation, etc. Such arguments are usually used to discredit the claims and testimony of those who are homosexual. As I remember one person putting it, "I am not considered a credible witness to my own experience."<br /><br />I have looked at and experienced these kinds of judgments from communities often involved in making these kinds of arguments. From my own experience, and discussions with such people, they want to make homosexuality not exist (at least within their sphere of perceptible reality). As the infamous Utah Senator Chris Buttars said, "I don't mind gays, but I don't want them stuffing it in my throat all the time and especially in my kid's face." As I would translate it, "I say, 'I don't mind gays,' so as not to seem like a total bigot, but I don't want them to exist, let alone know of their existence." The <a href="http://uk.reuters.com/article/idUKGEE5B10DC">Uganda bill </a>to criminalize homosexuality as a capital offense goes even further. It is not just a fight to push away what they consider un-reality from their perception; it is an attempt to actively stamp it out through force. Even this fight is fueled by the argument that homosexuality is a choice, a dysfunction, a disease to be treated.<br /><br />Rachel Maddow did a series of segments on her MSNBC show, <em>The Rachel Maddow Show</em>, about the influence of US change therapy advocates shaping the Uganda bill. As is shown, those who try to argue change therapy and the illness model of (and why I make a point of including it here) turn to--what I consider to be--charlatans, yes men, liars, and people otherwise unfit to be considered any kind of authority on the subject. As Rachel points out, these people are using "made up, fake, authoritative stuff that ... is being taken as science."<br /><br /><object id="msnbc80e432" width="420" height="245"><param name="movie" value="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32545640" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=10,0,0,0"><param name="FlashVars" value="launch=34337416&width=420&height=245"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="wmode" value="opaque"><embed name="msnbc80e432" src="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32545640" flashvars="launch=34337416&width=420&height=245" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" wmode="opaque" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.adobe.com/shockwave/download/download.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash" width="420" height="245"></embed></object><p style="background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; font-size: 11px; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; color: rgb(153, 153, 153); margin-top: 5px; -moz-background-clip: border; -moz-background-origin: padding; -moz-background-inline-policy: continuous; text-align: center; width: 420px;">Visit msnbc.com for <a style="border-bottom: 1px dotted rgb(153, 153, 153) ! important; text-decoration: none ! important; font-weight: normal ! important; height: 13px; color: rgb(87, 153, 219) ! important;" href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/">breaking news</a>, <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032507" style="border-bottom: 1px dotted rgb(153, 153, 153) ! important; text-decoration: none ! important; font-weight: normal ! important; height: 13px; color: rgb(87, 153, 219) ! important;">world news</a>, and <a href="http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032072" style="border-bottom: 1px dotted rgb(153, 153, 153) ! important; text-decoration: none ! important; font-weight: normal ! important; height: 13px; color: rgb(87, 153, 219) ! important;">news about the economy</a></p><br /><br />To bring this to more of my personal life, this is why I have not been able to have any kind of meaningful contact or correspondence with the mentioned member of my family: to be so thoroughly dismissed, to have my life and existence thrown out as un-reality leaves me at a loss as to how I may be able to say anything more. In a profoundly frustrated and hurting way, I admit I most likely cannot say anything at all. I do not know how to express the pain when someone who has been so close to you in life suddenly says, "Do you exist?" Perhaps a better way to put it is they seem to say, "I know you do not exist."<br /><br />In the end, and why I think the passage from Kierkegaard struck me when I read it, all we can do is exist. For such people who refuse to listen and acknowledge us as reality we cannot say anything. And perhaps this is why some of such people come around when they no longer know of homosexuality in the abstract but begin to know homosexuals in person. Like Christ (with no intention to be blasphemous with the comparison) we cannot respond with words and rhetoric. It is our lives as we live that shows them what reality is or is not.<br /><br />And this brings me to the last point I will make in this entry. The fact that it is our lives, not our rhetoric, that shows reality is why I take issue with parts of gay culture (to use a broad term). We fight to show ourselves as meaningful, productive people, yet so many do not show it in how they live their lives. This is also part of why I believe in the importance of same-sex marriage rights: the gay community needs the opportunity to be held to rights and responsibilities to show themselves a worthwhile group. This is not to say it cannot be done without marriage rights. However, marriage is the institution where the issues of living in respect of love and sex--the issues of sexuality--are most directly given opportunity to be shown and proven.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-9045357926907550132009-12-20T12:42:00.003-07:002009-12-20T21:31:16.786-07:00Some Snide Thoughts About Christmas at ChurchToday, my ward had their Christmas program in Sacrament meeting and Sunday School. If I had to paint it, well, it would all be in shades of beige. Even so, I had a couple somewhat silly thoughts during the morning I want to share.<br /><br />The Sacrament Meeting program started with a woman talking about all the bustle, decorations, and waiting for Santa that comes with Christmas time. She then said, "It's all too easy to forget why we celebrate this season." I came very close to muttering under my breath, "To appease the Pagans?"<br /><br />In Elder's Quorum, the teacher had us go one at a time saying our names and what we did. I said, "I've been unemployed for two years, play Dungeons and Dragons, just opened an Etsy.com storefront, and deal with trying to get medical needs covered." What I had thought of saying was, "I've been unemployed for two years. On the side, I'm a raging heretic and a social gad-fly."Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-35866534384638437492009-12-18T12:38:00.004-07:002009-12-18T14:17:37.763-07:00The Better of Equal OptionsWednesday at my group counseling session, I told the group about how I had met with my bishop and how I planned on attending church meetings so I could network with the ward for job leads. The conversation from there went easily to dealing with our LDS backgrounds and how to deal with LDS authorities, especially bishops. I talked about how I found the encounter easy to deal with as I went in with a very specific goal and topic. I wasn't there out of a sense of duty to "confess" or "repent." One member, who is active in his ward, talked about how he believes the bishop is not necessary for salvation/exaltation. I really liked how he talked about how one should only go to the bishop with problems and issues when one is inspired to do so (not shamed or guilted). The bishop, he said, is there to be a person of guidance and teaching. He is not the one who absolves our guilt or cleanses our sins.<br /><br />At the end of the session we do something called "check outs." This is an opportunity for every member to articulate what they are taking away from the session and mention anything they would like to keep discussing the next time we meet. At this session, as people took their turns, I had a profound Spiritual epiphany. I don't know why it came then. Perhaps it was the discussions about dealing with going to church meetings, the position and powers of church leaders, or perhaps me talking about how I planned to attend church to network with the ward. What came to me was an answer to a question I've carried with me for over four years. <br /><br />As I've written about before, back in 2005 I came to an understanding of what general path is best for me to take with my sexuality. It came from a process of prayer, fasting, and totally surrendering myself in being willing to accept whatever answer came to me. Although the answer came out clear, one thing that I have always wondered was why out of the options none of them were considered bad or wrong for me. The only difference was that one was "best" for my spiritual growth for this life and into the next. Even then, I understood the "best" was only something ever so slightly better than the others. Ever since then I've wondered why this particular option, to embrace my sexuality and even seek out a male partner, is "best." Wednesday, it just came down on me. It was one of those moments of understanding, when knowledge and understanding just comes. This option is "best" not because it will put me, per se, in some position of better spirituality or better attitude for salvation. All in all, when it comes to only me, all options were equal in what their path would do for me spiritually. The difference, where the "best" came from, was what this path will allow me to give to others. As I have felt for some time, there is a need for the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_gadfly">gad-fly</a>. I am not talking about being disruptive, contentious, or a nucence. What is needed is a voice of reason and moderation both in the LDS community and LGBT culture.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-68150848578945926812009-12-14T12:45:00.005-07:002009-12-27T02:28:36.846-07:00Going to Church and Meeting With My BishopSunday, I attended my local ward meetings and met with my bishop. I did this all to see what the bishop could do to help me, if anything.<br /><br />Church meetings went well. I found the ward to be very friendly and welcoming in general. People quickly noticed me as new and made sure I got to where I needed to go. Even the bishop noticed me before Sacrament Meeting started and stopped to talk to me. The only incident that was of note happened during Gospel Principles class. The topic was "<a href="http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?locale=0&sourceId=1aba862384d20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=e1fa5f74db46c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD">The Family: A Proclamation to the World</a>." I was tense when things started as the proclamation is often pointed to and used as a weapon against homosexuals. At the beginning of the class the usual rhetoric of "The family is under attack" was thrown out. What got to me was a comment regarding "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." The man sitting next to me said he took it as a point to accept the way he was made. While I could spin that response to all kinds of things, what got me was that he was going with the same subtext of "I was born with this genitalia, therefore I must be these certain ways." Personally, I find this attitude at the center of sexism, even hetero-sexism [1].<br /><br />In response I said, "I'm not saying this to be controversial or contentious, but we need to be careful not to be overly simplistic about this [2]. I wonder if they are talking about gender or sex. Those two terms tend to get conflated. We need to be aware that many people are born with indeterminate sex [3]." My comment seemed to go over well. Many people even told me they liked my contribution to the class.<br /><br />In the afternoon I met with the bishop. I told him how I hadn't attended church meetings in over two years. I told him how I had been dealing with medical issues and unemployment for two years. (Nothing about my sexuality, or even any specifics about why I hadn't been attending came up in our discussion.) I then told him the purpose of my wanting to speak with him was to see if there is anything the ward could do to help me find/afford a place to live come next month. He told me the current policy of the LDS church is not to give direct assistance in housing, with the exception of perhaps the occasional utility bill. The economic condition even effects the ability of the church to give aid. Above all that, the church only really gives direct assistance for people who are active, tithe paying, etc. I told him I understood. Even with that he continued to talk around in a few circles about how he wouldn't be able to offer anything more than perhaps a food order from the Bishop's Storehouse. As I have been approved for food stamp assistance, I told him I was not in need of that kind of assistance.<br /><br />After about three loops of him telling me about how he isn't able to help, he then went to a kind of testimony about how he's glad to see me at church and how I'll be blessed if I'll continue attending because he's been so blessed for attending church meetings through his life. I told him how I felt the past couple years of being away from church activity had been necessary to keep me away from experiencing a great amount of direct harm. (My subtext, of course, being the drama and attitudes around Proposition 8.) The bishop then started into his testimony how much he has been blessed by church activity. He seemed to catch himself saying, "Your experience may not have been the same." I replied, "I wouldn't expect to be."<br /><br />The entire experience of going back to church, speaking up in Sunday School, and meeting with the bishop was all surprisingly calm for me. I would be lying if I said there was no tension. I felt it. However, I kept my composure, didn't have any moment where I felt like I was going to freak out, and even felt rather empowered. Perhaps it was the anti-anxiety medication. Perhaps it was that I was there with a specific purpose and didn't need anything else, and I was ready to accept "no" as their response. Maybe it was both. In the end it felt like a kind of subtly important experience to feel in control and not really threatened.<br /><br />Waiting to meet with the bishop right after me was the Ward Employment Specialist. I spoke with him for a couples minutes before he went in. I told him about my training/schooling and what kind of work I'm looking for along with what I'm not looking for. I gave him my e-mail address and phone number and he gave me his phone number along with a referral for at least a part-time job he knew about off the top of his head. It was at that point I decided I would attend church for the next while. I realized the ward is a ready made society I can network in. I know how to move and work in it, and the members, by virtue of them being members, are very willing to give basic help. I don't know if I will be bringing up any issues about my sexuality directly. I'm sure something will eventually be said, and I will not be able to ethically refrain from responding.<br /><br />--------------------------------<br />1: Although some would label me as a "feminist," I prefer the term "anti-sexist." I do not believe in women or men being superior to the other. I even argue that men are also trapped and pidgeon holed by the social mores feminism fights against (see <a href="http://www.warrenfarrell.org/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Myth of Male Power</span></a> by Warren Farrell, Ph.D.). I believe, in many ways, our application of the labels "male" and "female" to traits and attributes almost arbitrary and often pointless. I also believe that much of the arguments against homosexuals is the same basis of classic sexism. All together, I use the term sexism as an umbrella whenever I believe any gender or sexual orientation is (wrongly) held as superior to others. More specific terms: feminist, masculinist, heterosexist, and homosexist.<br /><br />2: One of my difficulties in dealing with religious people is the simplicity they insist on dealing with things. In the case of "The Family," they take the simple statements given in the document as the end-all discussion on the topic. While I understand the simple nature of the document, I do not accept it is the entire discussion. God and the universe are far more complex than can be contained by a single sentence.<br /><br />3: Most people are unaware of the issues surrounding inter-sexed people. From what I've studied, about 1.5% of people around the world are born in some way with indeterminate sex characteristics.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-49010845295427597982009-12-12T21:23:00.004-07:002009-12-18T12:43:38.520-07:00New Meds and a New AttitudeThis week I met with a nurse practitioner to take a look at my medications. I didn't go to my usual psychiatrist as he is unavailable due to medical issues of his own and Voc Rehab is covering me meeting with this nurse practitioner. We decided to try changing my medications as the current ones--Effexor and Strattera--no longer seem to be working well. Effexor, with the neurotransmitters it affects, may even be contributing to my heightened general anxiety issues. I was a bit concerned, however, about changing medications as I had just finally gotten my medications fully covered for free through programs for low income people. Normally, out of pocket cost for my Effexor alone was almost $300 per month. I did a basic Google search on my new medications; Citalopram, Clonazepam, and Trazodone; and estimated the cost for filling all three would be around $250. I was very surprised when I went to the pharmacy last night and only had to pay $17.88 for all of it. As I was expecting to pay a lot, for a moment when the pharmacist told me the total came to "seventeen eighty-eight" I thought she meant $1,788.<br /><br />Going off old medications and starting new ones is always quite the roller coaster ride. When I went off St. John's Wort on my mission before starting Effexor, I dealt with muscle weakness and even a moment of suicidal thoughts. This time around, as I get to go off old medications while going on new ones at the same time, the results seem to be much more positive. After only one day I'm feeling much more calm; things aren't annoying me, or at least not causing me crazy levels of anxiety; and I'm even smiling and laughing. I don't know how long this new attitude will last. I think it will calm down a bit in a few weeks, as is normal. Hopefully, though, I will be able to function again and either go back to school or find a job. Also, for now, I'm in much more of a mood to read and write again, instead of just sitting in front of the TV or wasting time on Facebook. On the bad side of effects of the switch is the slipping of my equilibrium when I stand up, an increased appetite, and sleeping much more deeply than is normal. At least I'm feeling very rested when I wake up.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-76057120807300300412009-12-11T18:10:00.004-07:002009-12-11T19:50:55.749-07:00A Fallacious Six-year OldToday I went to the pharmacy to have some new prescriptions filled. While waiting, I watched a girl, about six-years old, take newly bought gloves from her sister, about eight-years old. The older sister didn't want to give the gloves to her younger sister saying, "I don't want you to open them."<br /><br />The six-year old replied, "I'm not going to open them." She then moved to a position behind the older sister's chair and "opened" the gloves: removing the sales tag and putting them on her hands. She then made the argument that she needed to put them on because "My hands are cold outside."<br /><br />I muttered, "You aren't outside," under my breath.<br /><br />The incident gnawed at me the entire time I was in line. I think the main reason was because both parents did nothing about their younger child lying to the older sister. All they seemed to do is treat the older girl as being selfish. (Granted, in a way she may have been.)<br /><br />On my way out of the pharmacy I made a point to stop and speak to the younger girl. Something in me just couldn't stand to leave without saying something. I approached the girls sitting next to their mother and said, "Excuse me, but I feel something needs to be said." I then pointed to the six-year old girl, telling her, "Honey, I think you need to apologize to your sister for lying to her about the gloves and making a fallacious argument to justify it."<br /><br />The three of them sat there looking back at me with a look as if to say, "Why are you talking to us?" I left immediately, not in any mood to hear a rebuttal from the mother, which I think would have been something akin to "Mind your own business." Honestly, looking back, the only things I would have done differently would have been to say something sooner and thought of a different word than "fallacious."<br /><br />I don't have any children of my own, and I understand the generally offensive nature of having strangers try to discipline one's children from the sideline. I also realize this kind of thing is typical of children and siblings at their ages. At the same time, this exchange between sisters and their parents struck something in me. Perhaps it is the nature of it was all too much an example of what I see in the greater world and politics in general: lying about what one is going to do and then making fallacious arguments to justify one's actions after the fact. Also--if I may put forward a bit of parenting philosophy--if a child is old enough to articulate an argument, they are old enough to be corrected.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-2152243396814467652009-12-10T03:13:00.005-07:002009-12-18T14:18:11.380-07:00Letting Go and Letting GodI have not blogged in some time as I have struggled with feelings of anxiety and a general sense of hopelessness as I've tried to keep myself together as I wait for help. As the year comes to an end, and my current living situation along with it, I have an increased sense of desperation to get my situation under control. Understandably this has increased my anxiety. Yesterday, I contacted the Executive Ward Secretary of my ward to schedule an appointment with my bishop so I can ask him for help in finding assistance, specifically in trying to find a new living arrangement. Today, I have been feeling an intense level of anxiety as I consider how the meeting may go. Compared to previous meetings with bishops, I have doubts of it going well. My anxiety over the meeting was so high I had an adrenaline high and my heart was nearly racing. At the moment, however, I feel a soothing calm.<br /><br />The calm came as I turned on KBYU, simply trying to find something to watch to take my mind off the thought of my meeting with my bishop. As PBS is doing their pledge drive, they are showing a number of programs that one can receive as "gifts" for donating. Tonight was a program by Wayne Dyer called "Excuses Begone." A number of points hit home with me. The main one was his discussion of the recovery therapy saying "Let go and let God." As I watched the program I found myself calming down as I considered the ideas Dyer talked about.<br /><br />Much of my anxiety and depression of the past couple years have been around issues of trust. My new individual counselor put it very well in our last session when he said he could put the trauma of my life into the word "rejection." I have experienced a great amount of cathartic crying as I've thought about the rejection I have felt and still feel in my life. I have taken it and no longer feel the ability to trust most other people. I don't even trust myself as I struggle with the issues of my body often failing to function properly. Dyer talked about "Let go and let God" is about putting trust not in others or even one's self, it is about putting trust in that higher power: one's Source, God, or whatever label one chooses to use. As I have pondered this, the issue I realize that the spiritual issue that has crippled me over the past couple years has not been simply the issues of my medical problems, but the loss of surrender to God.<br /><br />Back in 2007 I had my final blow out with my last bishop, stopped attending church meetings, and even asked my home teachers to stop visiting as I felt one in particular was being far too pushy and preachy with me. Although I still feel the step to remove myself from church attendance was in many ways necessary to keeping things from becoming even worse, I realize I let myself lose something very important. I lost my sense of surrender to God and began to try to control too much by my own power. The great moments of my life, where I have found enlightenment, self-actualization, and peace have been those times when I really let go, surrendering myself to God's will, guidance, and influence.<br /><br />Unlike many I know who consider religion to be a harmful institution, I believe it is very necessary and a powerful tool in spirituality. One of the most powerful spiritual experiences of my life to date came in the fall of 2007 as I read <span style="font-style: italic;">Care of the Soul</span> by Thomas Moore. It was an experience of understanding the powerful good and spiritual strength that came from me attending church services, even though I still had many criticisms and took issue with the institutions positions and actions regarding sexuality. These are some of the passages that struck me then and even now:<br /><br /><blockquote>Another aspect of modern life is a loss of formal religious practice in many people's lives, which is not only a threat to spirituality as such, but also deprives the soul of valuable symbolic and reflective experience. (211)<br /><br />... [C]hurch teaches us directly and symbolically to see the sacred dimensions of everyday life. ... [R]eligion is an "art of memory," a way of sustaining mindfulness about the religion that is inherent in everything we do. ... Without this lowly incorporation of the sacred into life, religion can become so far removed from the human situation as to be irrelevant. ... An appreciation for vernacular spirituality is important because without it our idealization of the holy, making it precious and too removed from life, can actually obstruct a genuine sensitivity to what is sacred. Churchgoing can become a mere aesthetic experience or, psychologically, even a defense against the power of the holy. Formal religion, so powerful and influential in the establishment of values and principles, always lies on a cusp between the divine and the demonic. (214-216)<br /></blockquote><br />When I was actively going to church and Institute, I walked the line of that cusp: the precarious balancing act that is walking the straight and narrow of God's will. I do not know if I will return to church activity. In many ways I still feel it will be a hostile environment. The fall out of Proposition 8 is still very active and I suspect many will be all too willing to pull out the rhetoric of the past couple years to try to put me in what they think is my place. At the same time, as I've contemplated what it is God wants of me, I realize my calling in life, in some way, is to be a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_gadfly">gad fly</a> to the institution. It is not a calling of trying to tear down, ridicule, or otherwise be a causer of discord. At this moment I feel a peaceful indignation towards the willful ignorance, supposition, and adherence to those I consider to be charlatans and yes men for guidance and "understanding" of issues. I do not know what form my attempts to educate and inform those in power will take. For now, I must simply let go of my attempts to control events and return to letting God carry me to whatever destination His plan has for me.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-913844445434280202009-11-12T07:50:00.004-07:002009-11-12T09:12:22.461-07:00It's Hard to Accept an Olive Branch When It Still Feels Like a Dagger Is In Your BackTuesday night, spokesman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Michael Otterson, managing director of Church Public Affairs, gave <a href="http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/news-releases-stories/church-supports-nondiscrimination-ordinances">official support</a> from the church for the passage of a non-discrimination ordinance protecting LGBT people in a Salt Lake City council meeting. The vast majority of responses have been about how wonderful it is to see the LDS church giving (some) support to LGBT people and how historic a move it is. While I accept the support and agree it is a step in the right direction--no matter how small--for the church towards treating LGBT people better, I only accept it grudgingly and somewhat cynically.<br /><br />As I've read over the <a href="http://newsroom.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/eng/news-releases-stories/statement-given-to-salt-lake-city-council-on-nondiscrimination-ordinances">official statement</a> made by Otterson to the City Council, I am left feeling it is something like a backhanded complement. With what I have heard through my contacts and acquaintances with <a href="http://www.mormonproposition.com/"><u>8: The Mormon Proposition</u></a>, the LDS church seemed all too ready to brag about this great thing it is doing in giving support saying, "Watch what we are about to do. You will be pleased." I am left feeling this endorsement is more about the LDS church trying to save some face in the PR department than actually trying to "follow what Jesus Christ taught." This ordinance, though important, is a small thing: it is only applicable to Salt Lake City, the endorsement comes only after the ordinance was modified to include explicit exemptions for religious organizations, and comes in the wake of tremendous criticism for the LDS church's support of Proposition 8 in California and other similar legislation. This was a very safe issue for the LDS church to give its support to. By their own words the rights the ordinance covers are "common-sense rights that should be available to everyone." I would consider a person who thinks LGBT people should be homeless and unemployed a terrible monster, and those monsters do exist. One person commented on the <a href="http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705343561/Text-from-LDS-church-on-SL-policy.html">Deseret News</a> coverage, "Anything that promotes homosexuality in our community is wrong, including this ordinance. I'm sorry to hear it passed and sorry the church didn't take a stronger stand on the issue."<br /><br />Even with giving support for basic social rights for LGBT people, the LDS church got in a few digs saying they can give their support because the ordinance "does not do violence to the institution of marriage." Many (including myself) are taking issue with the use of the word violence and the emotional effect it carries. I have much more I could say in criticism of this endorsement and how I see some responding to it. I find myself having to bite my tongue at the claims of "treating others with respect even when we disagree--in fact, especially when we disagree" and "Our language will always be respectful and acknowledge those who differ" as I think back on the history of the LDS church's commentary on, general rhetoric about, and treatment of LGBT people.<br /><br />In the end I'll accept this olive branch, however small it may be. However, I am not ready to embrace the LDS church in love and support yet. I've found a few too many daggers in my back in the past.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-46287024820389357262009-11-07T03:44:00.005-07:002009-11-07T04:29:39.868-07:00Empathy Rediscoverd and Group Therapy FrustrationI have been avoiding writing as I have not wanted to think about a number of things that have gone on the past week. Some of it is emotionally difficult; some of it requires me to be careful about respecting the privacy of certain people.<br /><br />As I wrote in my previous entry, I have rediscovered a spiritual calm that has been missing from my life for some time. As this calm has returned another aspect I have missed for many years has returned as well. It is something difficult to explain properly without it seeming too bizarre. The best I can say is it is like an empathic ability, verging on psychic at times with people I am close to, that I realized and developed back in high school. A different way of saying it is what might be called the spiritual gift of the discerning of spirits (<a href="http://scriptures.lds.org/en/dc/46">D&C 46:23</a>). Perhaps it is simply feeling a connection of trust with people. Whatever it may be, it has been missing from my life since my mission. It is a profoundly wonderful feeling to have rediscovered this gift. It is also a bit disturbing.<br /><br />The past few sessions with my therapy group have been more difficult than usual for me. Some of the people involved have left me feeling frustrated and uncomfortable in dealing with them. I have struggled to figure out exactly why it is I feel this way. This past session I got a glimpse of understanding as to why. As I let myself open up to the group empathicly I realized the people I'm having difficulty with are just at a very shallow, undeveloped level. I am fighting and struggling to move forward while feeling like I'm getting pulled back to some remedial level. It makes me think of a Simpsons episode when Bart is put in a remedial class, "We're behind and trying to catch up by going slower?" (to paraphrase). The therapist for the group suggested to Voc Rehab, since they are currently covering my group sessions, I could probably benefit from individual counseling as well. My Voc Rehab counselor seems like she can get me covered for that as well. I feel I could really use it as I am leaving the group sessions usually more frustrated, angry, and/or depressed than before.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-58552490522214671112009-10-30T19:26:00.007-06:002009-11-12T09:17:54.918-07:00Getting Back to When Things Were GoodThe past couple weeks have seemed notably difficult for me. My depression seems to be worse than usual, perhaps because of the changing season shortening the day. I have also seen a great amount of hateful reaction to the release of the trailer for <u>8: The Mormon Proposition</u>. At first I thought I might catalog what I've seen, and argued with, from people. I've had some very strong reactions to what people have posted. Just a week ago I became enraged at what one man wrote in an argument we had on Facebook over the trailer for <u>8:TMP</u>. My anger was white hot and took over (almost) all of my ability to reason. I wanted to physically beat up someone--anyone, even children. Luckily I only spent a few minute sobbing and slammed a couple doors.<br /><br />I have decided to cut myself off from much of the media I have been exposing myself to over the past couple years. I have hidden and ignored a large number of Facebook friends who tend to post political/religious links and comments. I no longer watch Rachel Maddow or Keith Olbermann. I leave the room when my roommate turns on NPR. I am avoiding almost all media outlets. Even The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, which I have allowed myself to still watch, may eventually be cut. My constitution is just not made to handle the stresses of staying informed in our culture of negative media.<br /><br />What I do need to do is get back to where I was when things were good. The last time I really felt like my life was on the right track was back in 2005. I was seriously working on maintaining my spirituality and felt closely connected with God. It has been a growing realization, but today seemed particularly poignant in realizing how much I have let my spirituality slip and how I no longer feel very connected with the Savior in my life. As I have merely thought about plans to work on getting back somewhat to where I was, a calm has returned to part of me I realize has been missing now for some time. Part of me even considered trying to attend LDS church meetings, but perhaps with the social/political climate that exists in the aftermath of Proposition 8 would be too much. I hope that bridge hasn't been completely burned.<br /><br />I truly fear sometimes I may become like the people I run into all too often who carry so much hatred for the LDS church and faith. I have my criticisms of how the church has behaved as an institution, and I even openly question and challenge some of what the General Authorities say and teach. However, that doesn't negate what I have gained from being a member of the church. It doubt it will ever cease to amaze me how following what I learned in church--having faith, prayer, listening to the Holy Ghost--is what has enabled me to be comfortable in my sexuality. The anger and hatred are so toxic to me and destroy the peace and comfort I found.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8705705698932368870.post-61776279103340470832009-10-21T08:41:00.003-06:002009-10-21T09:03:58.028-06:008: The Mormon Proposition Gets OnlineReed Cowan's documentary, <i>8: The Mormon Propositon</i>, has launched its <a href="http://www.mormonproposition.com/">official website</a> and released its <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MchC55BUzsk">first trailer</a>.<br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/MchC55BUzsk&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/MchC55BUzsk&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br />Cowan has submitted the film to the Sundance Film Festival, and others. I, and many others, are very excited and hopeful to see this film get out.<br /><br />I wrote about my feelings just before the launch of the website for Cowan to share:<br /><br /><blockquote>This past February I took the opportunity to interview with Reed Cowan for his documentary 8: The Mormon Proposition. As production has progressed and the release of the film draws closer I am very happy to be part of this work. I am excited to see my voice have an opportunity to spread out to the world, even if only a couple lines, and hopefully have an impact on shaping the lives and discussion of those trying to find reconciliation between their spirituality and sexuality.<br /><br />I am also nervous about the backlash I know will happen. I am a sensitive soul, and it is difficult for me to face the anger and hatred of those who will invariably attack this work and my involvement in it. But I am willing to deal with the pain. I find strength to do what I believe is right in the message the Lord gave Joseph Smith, Jr., in Liberty Jail:<br /><br />"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. (D&C 122:7)"</blockquote>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05697345047764249775noreply@blogger.com0