Indignation and a "Disturbance In the Force"

Over this past weekend I felt an increase in my sense of indignation regarding what I consider to be fear mongering, perpetuation misinformation, and outright lying--to name a few--by individuals and organizations that fight against LGBT rights, including same-sex marriage. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has been among these, and I found myself particularly focusing on the arguments they made during the push for California's Proposition 8. All of this seemed to reach a near "disturbance in the Force" kind of level with my soul. I decided, Monday, to finally write a brief letter to my new bishop along with providing him copies of the disciplinary council decision from 2001 when I was officially disfellowshipped from the body of the church and a copy of the letter I sent to the last bishop I spoke with about my sexuality.

I was wondering why I felt this way; I was trying to figure out why I suddenly had these feelings and thoughts come on. At first I thought it may be a combination of my depression, continuing to work out my appropriate medication levels, following the updates from Facebook friends on the progress of the Perry v. Schwarzenegger court arguments, and having met with my Elders' Quorum President on Sunday for a standard quarterly PPI (personal priesthood interview). Perhaps it is part of all these. However, given what came out today in Perry v. Schwarzenegger I feel perhaps I somehow sensed this coming.

From PRIDE In Utah!:

Even after Pro-8 counsel fought furiously to keep them hidden, documents from within the LDS/Mormon hierarchy were ruled as valid by Judge Walker today. The first was an email detailing that the Prop 8 Campaign was “entirely under direction of the priesthood!” As the email was read it, detailed incredible details, such as the fact that the Mormon church had a “key-leader in every zip code in California,” organizing the efforts of pro-8. The document also describes plan for grassroots organizing based on church wards led by ward priests. Apparently, the LDS church had an average of 20,000 volunteers walking neighborhoods at any given time.

The 2nd document is a record of the minutes in a meeting of the LDS officials. It details that Mormons were “not to take the lead, but to work within the coalition” in order to minimize negative impact on the church. In otherwords, the documents make it clear that 2 way flow of info between the campaign and the church was regular, but church pretended to lay low. The LDS church pushed for the campaign to privde the talking points, but it would provide the volunteers.

I have been upset before about what has been revealed about the involvement of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Proposition 8. Now, however, my indignation is just at its max. It's not anger; it's not hatred. Indignation is the only word I have for it. I am blown away by the level of hypocracy and lies this shows from the institutional levels of the organization that is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am seriously ready to let loose on the next person to accuse the LGBT community of picking on, twisting words of, or smearing the name of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The organization seems all too ready to do that to itself, and every serious, rational accusation made has so far been confirmed--and then some. I also will have nothing to do with those who argue they are fighting not a civil policy but a moral issue. Those who choose to fight so unethically, and with such blatant hypocracy, have no right to even try standing on claims of morality.

Some Snide Thoughts About Christmas at Church

Today, my ward had their Christmas program in Sacrament meeting and Sunday School. If I had to paint it, well, it would all be in shades of beige. Even so, I had a couple somewhat silly thoughts during the morning I want to share.

The Sacrament Meeting program started with a woman talking about all the bustle, decorations, and waiting for Santa that comes with Christmas time. She then said, "It's all too easy to forget why we celebrate this season." I came very close to muttering under my breath, "To appease the Pagans?"

In Elder's Quorum, the teacher had us go one at a time saying our names and what we did. I said, "I've been unemployed for two years, play Dungeons and Dragons, just opened an Etsy.com storefront, and deal with trying to get medical needs covered." What I had thought of saying was, "I've been unemployed for two years. On the side, I'm a raging heretic and a social gad-fly."

The Birth of Joe d'Arc

Joe d'Arc isn't my name. It is a handle I use on the internet, for video games, and other such things. This handle came about from an unusual compliment I received from a former teacher in the spring of 2008.

I met up with the teacher when I went back to the community college I had graduated from the previous semester to get a haircut at the barbering school there. (I wear a simple hairstyle, and $2 is a very good price for my budget.) After my haircut I decided to drop in on some of the teachers, and others, I had developed a friendly relationship with. This particular teacher I had the pleasure of getting to know quite well, and we had had a number of long discussions about various topics in the past. When I ran into him, he was just about to go to lunch and invited me to eat with him.

Our discussion quickly went to him asking me about dealing with my sexuality and dealing with my spiritual/religious life having been raised LDS. He often talked to me about this as he found it very interesting how I had come to be very comfortable with my sexuality while still maintaining strong spiritual beliefs from my LDS upbringing. He is a person who takes a much more agnostic, or even anti-religious view. I told him how I had recently decided to stop attending LDS church meetings due to my Bishop confronting me about expressing my disagreement with the lesson material when homosexuality was brought up during the Elders' Quorum meeting. Although I had tried to be as tactful and respectful as possible, it had apparently offended some of the other men (I don't know who they were). The only part I wish I had handled differently was leaving my Bishop's office yelling at him as I felt he was bullying me, implying I was not welcome unless I was going to sit quietly and totally agree with whatever was said.

As I told the story to my former teacher he made the comment, "You are just like Joan of Arc." At first I wondered if he might mean he saw me tied to a stake to be burned in my future. All I really knew at the time about Joan of Arc was the basics about her claim of having been told by God to lead a crusade, doing so, and then being burned at the stake for heresy by the Catholic church. I quickly realized the comparison was meant as a compliment to my willingness to stand up to authority figures in the LDS church hierarchy and stand by my beliefs about what I have personally experienced spiritually that has brought me to embrace both my sexuality and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

When I got back home, I decided to do a little research on Joan of Arc to see what about her I seemed to share. As I scanned the Wikipedia entry on her I became intrigued by what I learned. Despite her peasant status, being illiterate, and being a woman (which was a major part of the charges against her by the Catholic church) the records of her showed an incredibly intelligent woman of profound faith and strength. I have come to love how she responded to a question meant to trap her during her trial. When asked if she was in God's grace--something no one is supposed to be able to know either way--she responded, "If I am not, may God put me there; and if I am, may God so keep me."

Impressed by my research and liking the fact the comparison came from someone else, whom I respect, I decided to embrace the comparison. And so, I came up with the name Joe d'Arc: a male modification of Joan of Arc (or Jeanne d'Arc in the original French variation).

An Open Letter To Family, Friends, Etc.

Dear Relatives and Friends,

I cannot properly express the amount of time I have spent in contemplation, heartache, and prayer so I may write this letter in accordance to the Holy Spirit and so you may also be open to what I write. I know some of you will not receive this as I intend it. However, I feel an overwhelming drive to at least try and give an opportunity for proper communication; my conscience will not allow me to do otherwise.

Nearly ten years ago I came out as a gay man. In the time since I have struggled to find my way through life in relationship to society in general, my LDS upbringing, and with you collectively and individually. I thank those of you who have been supportive and worked to actually hear me and understand what I have done in my life. For those who have been dismissive, I only hope one day you will open up to truly hearing me.

I have already written much in regard to my sexuality, especially in relation to the LDS Church and my personal relationship with the Savior. This latter relationship in particular has been a difficult point for many of you to understand. Many people have tried to gently call me to repentance by saying things like, “I just want you to remember your Primary days … you ARE a Child of God. I know that and I hope you will always remember that,” or telling me all I need to do is accept Jesus Christ as my Savior to be “cured” of my homosexuality. To those who tell me such things, or want to, I think you perhaps assume too much. I admit the first years of being “out” were spent away from God and the fundamentals I learned in Primary. However, the past few years that has not been the case. So many encourage me to turn to Christ, offering myself entirely to His will, as if I have not already done so.

What I went through was not a simple prayer one day, as some have assumed. I spent days, weeks, months in prayer and fasting. I did everything I could think of to make myself open to the Still Small Voice of the Holy Ghost and be able to hear it clearly. When I received an answer I checked it against everything I had ever learned from the Scriptures, church lessons, Seminary and Institute classes, General Conference talks, anything approved by the Church that was out there to know whether it was right or wrong. I even continued in prayer, fasting, church attendance, and Institute classes after receiving very powerful, direct answers to my prayers to make sure what I experienced was not just a defense mechanism telling me what I wanted to hear, or that it was the product of psychological dysfunction. I have dug deep into my psyche and soul and found layers of understanding most people never even consider. I continue to probe ever deeper and have no desire to stop.

Over the years my spirit has been touched in ways and my mind opened to things I consider too sacred to share here. What I will say is I know God accepts me embracing my homosexuality and even seeking a male partner—“husband”—to share my life with. This is not a carte blanche on my sexual behavior or a statement on how others have dealt with their issues of sexuality and marriage. Also, although my Spiritual experiences have been nearly entirely about what is best for me, part is also the need to discuss this issue with others--e.g., this letter--to open up more dialogue and understanding on both sides of the issue. This is not to say I know all the answers to the questions these answers from the Holy Ghost bring up. Much has yet to be revealed to me, and I doubt all of it will come in this lifetime. What I do know is I have received profound guidance for this life and I cannot turn away from it. As it says in Joseph Smith—History (1:25), “For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation.”

Some have taken the struggles of my life over the past years as evidence of being wrong about my spiritual experiences. The struggles I go through are against those who would have me go against what God has reveled to me by insisting I must do as they think God wants me to do. I am at peace with Heavenly Father and the Savior, not with the world around me. I think it better to struggle against man for the space to do as God has told me is best for me than go against Him to appease those around me. I did it once before, believing those people knew what God wanted. I doubt many of you truly understand what my mission experience was like; I will only say here it nearly cost me my life and my relationship with the Savior.

My desire to write this letter comes from the great difficulty I have experienced over the past year. At the end of 2007 my last Bishop made it very clear I was not welcome in the ward if I was not going to agree with whatever was said at Church meetings. I have mourned the loss of community and Spiritual uplifting I gained from attending. However, I know what my Bishop insisted on would be more damaging to me spiritually than stepping away. Also, the turbulent debates and demonstrations caused by California’s Proposition 8 have left me feeling I live in a world gone mad. Both sides of the argument have overstepped lines and acted less than appropriately. In many ways I feel threatened physically, socially, and spiritually. In regards to the LDS Church, I have been particularly disappointed. Much of what the Church said and posted online officially over their involvement struck me as rather disingenuous and even unethical in their use of arguments and supporting documentation. Over Christmas I got into a very heated debate with an uncle over the issue. Like my uncle, many have tried to defend the Church in its involvement in Proposition 8, or other issues about homosexuality. It quickly becomes apparent they are completely unaware of what has actually been said or has happened over the issue. Some don’t even seem to understand what homosexuality actually is. I strongly ask all of you to take time to educate yourself on the issue*--if not for me then for those you will discuss it with in the future. As Cloy Jenkins writes, “Those who insist on speaking out on homosexuality should first know what they are talking about.”

Sincerely,
Ryan Hollist

* A good source, which covers many of the basic and key issues, is Prologue by Cloy Jenkins, et al.

Response to "Church Responds to Same-Sex Marriage Votes"

Church Responds to Same-Sex Marriage Votes
SALT LAKE CITY 5 November 2008 COMMENTARY

Since Proposition 8 was placed on the ballot in June of this year, the citizens of California have considered the arguments for and against same-sex marriage. After extensive debate between those of different persuasions, voters have chosen to amend the California State Constitution to state that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Voters in Arizona and Florida took the same course and amended their constitutions to establish that marriage will continue to be between a man and a woman.

Such an emotionally charged issue concerning the most personal and cherished aspects of life — family, identity, intimacy and equality — stirs fervent and deep feelings.

Some have asked why we in the LGBT community are fighting for same-sex marriage and/or why we are fighting so hard. This is part of the reason why. It is not a selfish grab; it is about the deep issues of our lives -- "family, identity, intimacy, and equality" -- being recognized and protected.

Most likely, the election results for these constitutional amendments will not mean an end to the debate over same-sex marriage in this country.

No, it won't. If anything the issue has been heightened. The flood of vitriol in just the past few days tells me the situation, for many, has escalated beyond a "debate." Many seem ready to have a new wave of Stonewall Riots.

We hope that now and in the future all parties involved in this issue will be well informed and act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility toward those with a different position. No one on any side of the question should be vilified, intimidated, harassed or subject to erroneous information.

This is where I begin to take some real issue with the Church's comments. For people asking for parties to be "well informed" and not subject each other to "erroneous information" the Church seems to like using erroneous information to argue their position. I have already posted links to an analysis on Six Consequences... if Proposition 8 Fails (gained through MormonsForMarriage.com). I also take issue with the many studies they reference to support their view on marriage. Often they are misused taking inference from them that is in no way related to the issue (e.g., studies on the effect on children raised by both biological parents vs. only one biological parent do not give any information, directly or indirectly, on the effect of children raised by a same-sex couple).

It is important to understand that this issue for the Church has always been about the sacred and divine institution of marriage--a union between a man and a woman.

The words "sacred" and "divine" are inherently religious. This argument makes it clear the issue with the Church is trying to make civil structure reflect their religious ideology. Although I understand their concern, desire, and zeal to do this, I must take issue with the level of force they are showing. I strongly feel the Church is overstepping its bounds by trying to legislate deep doctrinal beliefs.

Allegations of bigotry or persecution made against the Church were and are simply wrong.

Perhaps this is a little flippant: the very definition of bigotry is what has been going on. The fact of Church involvement and their own arguments as to why they are involved (see previous paragraph) are bigoted. They are stubbornly fighting against any recognition beyond what they believe: the "sacred" and "divine" union between a man and a woman.

The Church’s opposition to same-sex marriage neither constitutes nor condones any kind of hostility toward gays and lesbians.

Obviously, some of the members of the Church and others have missed this. I know this comment has been made many times over the past few years, however, I consistently hear LDS members say they only recently realized it was said. Still, some others seem to think "hostility" only means outright battery. They do not consider emotional, financial, and social harm any problem. In fact, some have said it is the very thing the Church and God want them to do.

Even more, the Church does not object to rights for same-sex couples regarding hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights, so long as these do not infringe on the integrity of the traditional family or the constitutional rights of churches.

First, I will reiterate my stance on supporting the constitutional rights of churches in this country and what happens in the civil arena should not infringe on those rights. Where is the line when basic rights for same-sex couples begin to "infringe" on the "integrity" of the "traditional family"? This seems so vaguely defined that the Church can have the latitude to protest against anything that even seems similar to allowing marriage rights. Back in 2004 when an amendment was on the ballot in Utah and other states to define marriage between a man and a woman, the Church gave an obtuse endorsement of those amendments via a First Presidency Statement:

Any other sexual relations, including those between persons of the same gender, undermine the divinely created institution of the family. The Church accordingly favors measures that define marriage as the union of a man and a woman and that do not confer legal status on any other sexual relationship.

Either the Church has taken a turn in the past four years in regard to allowing civil rights to same-sex couples, or this current statement is disingenuous.

Some, however, have mistakenly asserted that churches should not ever be involved in politics when moral issues are involved. In fact, churches and religious organizations are well within their constitutional rights to speak out and be engaged in the many moral and ethical problems facing society. While the Church does not endorse candidates or platforms, it does reserve the right to speak out on important issues.

Let me reiterate, I do not object to churches making their beliefs and views known publicly regarding politics. I do not object to churches asking the members of their congregations to be civilly involved. What I take issue with is the pouring of literally millions of dollars, disseminating erroneous information, and pressuring--not just asking, pressuring--their members into donating millions as well, to name a few unethical practices, for the purpose of pushing doctrinally based legislation through the system.

Before it accepted the invitation to join broad-based coalitions for the amendments, the Church knew that some of its members would choose not to support its position. Voting choices by Latter-day Saints, like all other people, are influenced by their own unique experiences and circumstances. As we move forward from the election, Church members need to be understanding and accepting of each other and work together for a better society.

I wonder if this is more of a required statement to cover the Church from being accused of forcing their members to vote a certain way. Whatever it is, it seems deeply contradictory to all the work the Church has done over the past months. (Flippant moment: "If this doesn't pass, society will suffer an apocalyptic colapse. But, whatever, vote how you want.") As for Church members being understanding and accepting, I hope certain people can stop calling others "apostate" or "against God's will" for not supporting Proposition 8 or similar measures.

Even though the democratic process can be demanding and difficult, Latter-day Saints are profoundly grateful for and respect the ideals of a true democracy.

I am not sure what to make of this exactly. It seems odd how it is not the Church speaking of itself as an organization but speaking for the individual members collectively. I find it somewhat assumptive and bothersome to have the institution speaking for individuals.

The Church expresses deep appreciation for the hard work and dedication of the many Latter-day Saints and others who supported the coalitions in efforts regarding these amendments.

Conflicted Over the Religious Involvement of Proposition 8

I start writing this at 3:45 A.M. For more than 12 hours I have stewed in my internal conflict over the various reactions people are having to the passing of Proposition 8 in California, banning marriage rights for same-sex couples in that state. Facebook has been a flood of vitriol. After half a large pizza and starting my second 2-liter of Mountain Dew, I realize I need to express my feelings and sort out my thoughts. I don't want to be the angry guy; I don't want to be the guy who does nothing.

The LGB community is understandably upset, even angry. Protests in California have already been happening. This evening a protest is planned for Downtown Salt Lake City near the LDS temple and LDS Church Office Building. Law suits are already filed, one claiming Proposition 8 was not carried through the proper initiative process. A group on Facebook is supporting a petition for the IRS to review the Church of Latter Day Saints' tax-exempt status.

I have signed the petition. I did not do so with the intent of insisting point blank for the repeal of the Church's tax-exempt status due to a petition alone. My stance is more asking the IRS to audit the activities of churches involved in donating and lobbying for Proposition 8. I posted my belief before and spoken with people about how I feel the religious involvement in supporting Proposition 8 was unethical from the beginning. I am sure the LDS Church had tax attorneys involved to make sure they stayed within their technical boundaries. Still, I want to make a statement that I do not agree with what happened, regardless of the vote results on Proposition 8.

As for the protest, I feel it is somewhat misplaced in time. It seems reactionary -- a tantrum over not getting one's way. (Perhaps that is too simplistic an analogy.) Part of me wishes to join. I am angry too. Angry at all the rhetoric, arguments, and money put towards passing such legislation. At a time when so many are seeing a great sign of progress in our civilization with the electing of Barak Obama, many of us are stung deeply by the passing of Proposition 8 in California, along with similar legislation in Arizona and Florida. But I do not believe crying out in an angry protest march will help me. I do not wish to silence and repress religion. Again, I have posted and expressed my belief in a religion's rights to free speech. I believe there must be a better middle to travel. I almost want to go to the protest wearing a sandwich board that reads, "Suppressing marriage is wrong / Suppressing religion is wrong."

The LDS Church's response to the passing of Proposition 8 also upsets me. (I plan to make a more detailed analysis/response in another post.) I will say I find the response generally disingenuous. I am left to wonder how much of it is simply the required PR spin verses how oblivious they are to their actions and the effect of what they have done.

I wish I could discuss this with many of you out there. Much of what I see is a failure to communicate: a failure in hearing and speaking what the issues truly are and understanding the boundaries we are to respect. Almost no one seems capable of transcending the trite talking points and buzzwords. I cry thinking of how many I have come in contact with, on BOTH sides, screaming out with closed eyes, ears, minds, and hearts to those they attack and even to themselves.

Where Arguments Over Prop 8 End Up

In debating over Proposition 8, I have been involved in a discussion--argument, fight--with one Scott Baxter (Orange County, CA). The line eventually lead to the issue of God. I feel parts of the recent thread are worth sharing and keeping here.

As for my relationship with God, I think you perhaps assume to much. You are right that there is something in reading this that reminds me to look to Him for support. You encourage turning to Him, offering myself entirely to His will and accepting Jesus and Lord as if I had not. I have Scott, years ago. It was not a simple general prayer one day. I spent months in prayer and fasting listening to the Holy Spirit to give me guidance in how God would have me deal with my sexuality. Even after receiving very powerful, direct answers I continued on to make sure it was not just a defense mechanism telling me what I wanted to hear. I have dug deep into my psyche and soul and found layers of understanding most people never even consider. I continue to probe ever deeper and have no desire to stop. Over the years my soul has been touched in ways and my mind opened to things I consider too sacred to speak of in detail in this kind of forum. What I will say is I know God is totally accepting of me embracing my homosexuality and seeking a male partner--"husband"--to share my life with. This is not a carte blanche on my sexual behavior or a statement on how others have dealt with their issues of sexuality and marriage. However, just because something can be misused does not negate the use of it for good, and I hope you can understand why I feel so passionately about the issue of same-sex marriage. As for the struggle you see, it is against those who would have me go against what God has revealed to me to fit what they think God wants. I would think it better to fight man for the space to do as God has told me is good for me to do than go against Him to appease those around me. I did it once before, believing those people knew what God wanted; it not only nearly cost me my life but my soul as well.

I do not wish you ill, Scott, but I will fight you if you insist on trying to make me go against God's will for my life.

Responses to Feelings Regarding Prop 8

Recently a cousin of mine wrote a Facebook note about her feelings regarding Proposition 8 in California. She quoted Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:

ELDER DALLIN H OAKS: This is much bigger than just a question of whether or not society should be more tolerant of the homosexual lifestyle. Over past years we have seen unrelenting pressure from advocates of that lifestyle to accept as normal what is not normal, and to characterize those who disagree as narrow-minded, bigoted and unreasonable. Such advocates are quick to demand freedom of speech and thought for themselves, but equally quick to criticize those with a different view and, if possible, to silence them by applying labels like “homophobic.” In at least one country where homosexual activists have won major concessions, we have even seen a church pastor threatened with prison for preaching from the pulpit that homosexual behavior is sinful. Given these trends, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints must take a stand on doctrine and principle.

Believing that I, too, must make a stand on principle, I commented:

I want to say something here, but I don't know how to put it. I understand what Elder Oaks, and other General Authorities, are trying to do under this issue. In many ways I agree that many have pushed their activism too far. On the other hand, I feel the Church and many of the GA's are doing the same thing: trying to push their view on the rest of the world and blowing certain instances out of proportion to give support to their view.

As I expected, a number of people have responded to my comment with rhetoric such as “Is the Church true or not?”, “FOLLOW THE PROPHET,” and “The 12 Apostles and First presidency are not politicians…. They tell us what God wants the world to know.” These responses are all too evident of an inability I see in many members of the LDS church, and other faiths as well, to distinguish between their ecclesiastical leaders and God himself. However, that leads towards a discussion I will leave to another time.

My desire to respond to my cousin’s post was not to say that the LDS church had no business nor even the right to support Proposition 8 or carry the views and beliefs it does regarding same-sex marriage. I understand its position and believe there are legitimate concerns and issues over the matter that must be addressed. What does bother me is how the Church and its leaders have gone about trying to support their view. On October 16, 2008 the LDS church published an article “The Divine Institution of Marriage”. In this article the issue of encroachment on the rights of churches is brought up (see under the heading “Tolerance, Same-Sex Marriage and Religious Freedom”). I believe this is a legitimate concern. However, I find the treatment and support of these concerns unethical. So as not to make this note unnecessarily long, please read Morris A. Thurston’s rebuttal of “Six Consequences the Coalition Has Identified if Proposition 8 Fails” on MormonsForMarriage.org. Thurston has also posted a commentary on the responses he has received regarding his rebuttal.

As for the quote my cousin posted from Elder Oaks, the case of a pastor being imprisoned for preaching the sinful nature of homosexuality is not cited leaving me only to theorize on the incident. On the one hand I can see it possible that the pastor was being denied his rights to faith and free speech. However, I have seen all too often those who hide behind claims of free speech to incite blatant hatred, even violence, against others. I have heard pastors condone refusing homosexuals health care and housing. Some have even openly proclaimed that God will justify and bless those who beat or even kill homosexuals. Take basically anything from GodHatesFags.com. One organization tried to buy the lot next to Matthew Shepherd’s grave so they could erect a monument saying “Matthew Shepeherd has burned in Hell since October 12, 1998.” I even had a discussion with an LDS “friend” from high school who openly admitted he wants to pointedly discriminate against homosexuals, i.e., deny them employment benefits.

In the end what I want everyone out there to consider is are you doing what you do only because an authority figure said so? or have you searched out information beyond just what they say and make the decision educated and aware of what the issue and situation actually are?