The Better of Equal Options

Wednesday at my group counseling session, I told the group about how I had met with my bishop and how I planned on attending church meetings so I could network with the ward for job leads. The conversation from there went easily to dealing with our LDS backgrounds and how to deal with LDS authorities, especially bishops. I talked about how I found the encounter easy to deal with as I went in with a very specific goal and topic. I wasn't there out of a sense of duty to "confess" or "repent." One member, who is active in his ward, talked about how he believes the bishop is not necessary for salvation/exaltation. I really liked how he talked about how one should only go to the bishop with problems and issues when one is inspired to do so (not shamed or guilted). The bishop, he said, is there to be a person of guidance and teaching. He is not the one who absolves our guilt or cleanses our sins.

At the end of the session we do something called "check outs." This is an opportunity for every member to articulate what they are taking away from the session and mention anything they would like to keep discussing the next time we meet. At this session, as people took their turns, I had a profound Spiritual epiphany. I don't know why it came then. Perhaps it was the discussions about dealing with going to church meetings, the position and powers of church leaders, or perhaps me talking about how I planned to attend church to network with the ward. What came to me was an answer to a question I've carried with me for over four years.

As I've written about before, back in 2005 I came to an understanding of what general path is best for me to take with my sexuality. It came from a process of prayer, fasting, and totally surrendering myself in being willing to accept whatever answer came to me. Although the answer came out clear, one thing that I have always wondered was why out of the options none of them were considered bad or wrong for me. The only difference was that one was "best" for my spiritual growth for this life and into the next. Even then, I understood the "best" was only something ever so slightly better than the others. Ever since then I've wondered why this particular option, to embrace my sexuality and even seek out a male partner, is "best." Wednesday, it just came down on me. It was one of those moments of understanding, when knowledge and understanding just comes. This option is "best" not because it will put me, per se, in some position of better spirituality or better attitude for salvation. All in all, when it comes to only me, all options were equal in what their path would do for me spiritually. The difference, where the "best" came from, was what this path will allow me to give to others. As I have felt for some time, there is a need for the gad-fly. I am not talking about being disruptive, contentious, or a nucence. What is needed is a voice of reason and moderation both in the LDS community and LGBT culture.

Letting Go and Letting God

I have not blogged in some time as I have struggled with feelings of anxiety and a general sense of hopelessness as I've tried to keep myself together as I wait for help. As the year comes to an end, and my current living situation along with it, I have an increased sense of desperation to get my situation under control. Understandably this has increased my anxiety. Yesterday, I contacted the Executive Ward Secretary of my ward to schedule an appointment with my bishop so I can ask him for help in finding assistance, specifically in trying to find a new living arrangement. Today, I have been feeling an intense level of anxiety as I consider how the meeting may go. Compared to previous meetings with bishops, I have doubts of it going well. My anxiety over the meeting was so high I had an adrenaline high and my heart was nearly racing. At the moment, however, I feel a soothing calm.

The calm came as I turned on KBYU, simply trying to find something to watch to take my mind off the thought of my meeting with my bishop. As PBS is doing their pledge drive, they are showing a number of programs that one can receive as "gifts" for donating. Tonight was a program by Wayne Dyer called "Excuses Begone." A number of points hit home with me. The main one was his discussion of the recovery therapy saying "Let go and let God." As I watched the program I found myself calming down as I considered the ideas Dyer talked about.

Much of my anxiety and depression of the past couple years have been around issues of trust. My new individual counselor put it very well in our last session when he said he could put the trauma of my life into the word "rejection." I have experienced a great amount of cathartic crying as I've thought about the rejection I have felt and still feel in my life. I have taken it and no longer feel the ability to trust most other people. I don't even trust myself as I struggle with the issues of my body often failing to function properly. Dyer talked about "Let go and let God" is about putting trust not in others or even one's self, it is about putting trust in that higher power: one's Source, God, or whatever label one chooses to use. As I have pondered this, the issue I realize that the spiritual issue that has crippled me over the past couple years has not been simply the issues of my medical problems, but the loss of surrender to God.

Back in 2007 I had my final blow out with my last bishop, stopped attending church meetings, and even asked my home teachers to stop visiting as I felt one in particular was being far too pushy and preachy with me. Although I still feel the step to remove myself from church attendance was in many ways necessary to keeping things from becoming even worse, I realize I let myself lose something very important. I lost my sense of surrender to God and began to try to control too much by my own power. The great moments of my life, where I have found enlightenment, self-actualization, and peace have been those times when I really let go, surrendering myself to God's will, guidance, and influence.

Unlike many I know who consider religion to be a harmful institution, I believe it is very necessary and a powerful tool in spirituality. One of the most powerful spiritual experiences of my life to date came in the fall of 2007 as I read Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore. It was an experience of understanding the powerful good and spiritual strength that came from me attending church services, even though I still had many criticisms and took issue with the institutions positions and actions regarding sexuality. These are some of the passages that struck me then and even now:

Another aspect of modern life is a loss of formal religious practice in many people's lives, which is not only a threat to spirituality as such, but also deprives the soul of valuable symbolic and reflective experience. (211)

... [C]hurch teaches us directly and symbolically to see the sacred dimensions of everyday life. ... [R]eligion is an "art of memory," a way of sustaining mindfulness about the religion that is inherent in everything we do. ... Without this lowly incorporation of the sacred into life, religion can become so far removed from the human situation as to be irrelevant. ... An appreciation for vernacular spirituality is important because without it our idealization of the holy, making it precious and too removed from life, can actually obstruct a genuine sensitivity to what is sacred. Churchgoing can become a mere aesthetic experience or, psychologically, even a defense against the power of the holy. Formal religion, so powerful and influential in the establishment of values and principles, always lies on a cusp between the divine and the demonic. (214-216)

When I was actively going to church and Institute, I walked the line of that cusp: the precarious balancing act that is walking the straight and narrow of God's will. I do not know if I will return to church activity. In many ways I still feel it will be a hostile environment. The fall out of Proposition 8 is still very active and I suspect many will be all too willing to pull out the rhetoric of the past couple years to try to put me in what they think is my place. At the same time, as I've contemplated what it is God wants of me, I realize my calling in life, in some way, is to be a gad fly to the institution. It is not a calling of trying to tear down, ridicule, or otherwise be a causer of discord. At this moment I feel a peaceful indignation towards the willful ignorance, supposition, and adherence to those I consider to be charlatans and yes men for guidance and "understanding" of issues. I do not know what form my attempts to educate and inform those in power will take. For now, I must simply let go of my attempts to control events and return to letting God carry me to whatever destination His plan has for me.

Empathy Rediscoverd and Group Therapy Frustration

I have been avoiding writing as I have not wanted to think about a number of things that have gone on the past week. Some of it is emotionally difficult; some of it requires me to be careful about respecting the privacy of certain people.

As I wrote in my previous entry, I have rediscovered a spiritual calm that has been missing from my life for some time. As this calm has returned another aspect I have missed for many years has returned as well. It is something difficult to explain properly without it seeming too bizarre. The best I can say is it is like an empathic ability, verging on psychic at times with people I am close to, that I realized and developed back in high school. A different way of saying it is what might be called the spiritual gift of the discerning of spirits (D&C 46:23). Perhaps it is simply feeling a connection of trust with people. Whatever it may be, it has been missing from my life since my mission. It is a profoundly wonderful feeling to have rediscovered this gift. It is also a bit disturbing.

The past few sessions with my therapy group have been more difficult than usual for me. Some of the people involved have left me feeling frustrated and uncomfortable in dealing with them. I have struggled to figure out exactly why it is I feel this way. This past session I got a glimpse of understanding as to why. As I let myself open up to the group empathicly I realized the people I'm having difficulty with are just at a very shallow, undeveloped level. I am fighting and struggling to move forward while feeling like I'm getting pulled back to some remedial level. It makes me think of a Simpsons episode when Bart is put in a remedial class, "We're behind and trying to catch up by going slower?" (to paraphrase). The therapist for the group suggested to Voc Rehab, since they are currently covering my group sessions, I could probably benefit from individual counseling as well. My Voc Rehab counselor seems like she can get me covered for that as well. I feel I could really use it as I am leaving the group sessions usually more frustrated, angry, and/or depressed than before.

Getting Back to When Things Were Good

The past couple weeks have seemed notably difficult for me. My depression seems to be worse than usual, perhaps because of the changing season shortening the day. I have also seen a great amount of hateful reaction to the release of the trailer for 8: The Mormon Proposition. At first I thought I might catalog what I've seen, and argued with, from people. I've had some very strong reactions to what people have posted. Just a week ago I became enraged at what one man wrote in an argument we had on Facebook over the trailer for 8:TMP. My anger was white hot and took over (almost) all of my ability to reason. I wanted to physically beat up someone--anyone, even children. Luckily I only spent a few minute sobbing and slammed a couple doors.

I have decided to cut myself off from much of the media I have been exposing myself to over the past couple years. I have hidden and ignored a large number of Facebook friends who tend to post political/religious links and comments. I no longer watch Rachel Maddow or Keith Olbermann. I leave the room when my roommate turns on NPR. I am avoiding almost all media outlets. Even The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, which I have allowed myself to still watch, may eventually be cut. My constitution is just not made to handle the stresses of staying informed in our culture of negative media.

What I do need to do is get back to where I was when things were good. The last time I really felt like my life was on the right track was back in 2005. I was seriously working on maintaining my spirituality and felt closely connected with God. It has been a growing realization, but today seemed particularly poignant in realizing how much I have let my spirituality slip and how I no longer feel very connected with the Savior in my life. As I have merely thought about plans to work on getting back somewhat to where I was, a calm has returned to part of me I realize has been missing now for some time. Part of me even considered trying to attend LDS church meetings, but perhaps with the social/political climate that exists in the aftermath of Proposition 8 would be too much. I hope that bridge hasn't been completely burned.

I truly fear sometimes I may become like the people I run into all too often who carry so much hatred for the LDS church and faith. I have my criticisms of how the church has behaved as an institution, and I even openly question and challenge some of what the General Authorities say and teach. However, that doesn't negate what I have gained from being a member of the church. It doubt it will ever cease to amaze me how following what I learned in church--having faith, prayer, listening to the Holy Ghost--is what has enabled me to be comfortable in my sexuality. The anger and hatred are so toxic to me and destroy the peace and comfort I found.

I Am Angry At and Conflicted With LDS and LGBT Socities

I find myself spending another sleepless night feeling conflicted. Over the past couple weeks, since LDS General Conference, I have been trying to write an entry about my feelings of alienation from both LDS and LGBT societies. My block: not being willing to fully face the deep issues I have with each side at the same time and trying to be too objective/unemotional in my writing. And so, my warning: I will be very blunt and honest about my feelings each way. Some offensive, adult language will be used.

On Monday, October 5, a Facebook friend wrote an open letter to Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in regards to Elder Oaks's talk during the Saturday evening session of the 179th Semiannual General Conference. Some excerpts from the letter:

... I was deeply offended by your speech during the LDS church’s General Conference this past weekend. In this speech you told parents of LGBT children that it is alright to withhold love from a child who wants to embrace their true selves as a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered person. ... What type of message is it when a man who people are taught is a prophet tells them they are undeserving of their parents love and acceptance just because of the way they were born? ...

I am a proud member of the LGBT community in Utah. ... Mr. Oaks we can only hope to undo the damage that you do to others by so casually saying things that have no bearing on you but effect the entire future of others’ lives.

Apparently not one to lose momentum with the LGBT community, Elder Oaks gave a talk at BYU-Idaho not twenty-four hours ago that has released another wave of vitriol. Some samples from Facebook friends:

• I assume that the nature of the talk was not so much to tackle the issue of the impingment [sic] of religious freedom, but more to justify and explain why the Church is being seen in a negative light. He had the audacity to compare the backlash against the members of the Church to the oppression of blacks in the Civil Rights Era. That's right, he's comparing the members to the oppressees, not the oppressors. The wolf is in the sheeps [sic] clothing and is bleating in alarm because it now has a bad image.



• You'd think the LDS Church would stop shooting itself in the foot. Go back to gospels teaching (sic), instead of whining at the pulpit. Good one Oaks!



• what a lying piece of shit. He is the playground bully and he has lied, hidden expenditures, hidden his agenda, financed it all ... and now claims the church is the victim??? I call BULLSHIT!!!

As I said, I am conflicted. As a gay man I want to fight for civil rights, protections, and responsibilities for LGBT people. I want to scream BULLSHIT!!! at Elder Oaks and any others who have the audacity to say they are completely in the right on the issues. I want to see everyone who joined and/or supported the religious coalition the LDS church joined to pass Prop 8 held accountable for the lies, misdirections, fear mongering, and all the other ways they ignored facts, reason, and logic to push their beliefs. I am so disgusted by the hypocrisy of those claiming the moral high ground and "authority" I am physically ill. (For the sake of some brevity I will not re-catalog the LDS church's sins of hypocrisy on these issues at this time.) If I believed it would help I would shout from the rooftops, violently beat people's faces into concrete, and even, as Mahatma Gandhi writes, "I would destroy that system today, if I had the power. I would use the most deadly weapons, if I believed that they would destroy it" ("Man and Machine"). But violence and destruction do not improve the situation; such actions would only make mine the greater sin.

And here I come to the issues I have with LGBT society and culture, or what I call the "media popular" versions there of. I am weary of the anger and vitriol that flows so freely. As a man of faith, and especially coming from an LDS faith tradition, I often feel at great odds with the LGBT community. I have constantly faced and endured criticism and hatred for just identifying as LDS, wearing a CTR ring, or finding any bit of an idea from LDS scripture or literature that I agree with.

Case in point, Elder Oaks's talk from the Saturday evening session of the 179th Semiannual General Conference. Taken by itself, I found the talk to be very appropriate and not containing what I have seen many accusing Elder Oaks of saying. (At the same time, given what he has said and done in other places Elder Oaks has come close to saying or somehow endorsing what people have accused him of.) At the basic root of the talk I found much to agree with Elder Oaks, particularly in regards to my issues with LGBT society and culture. It saddens me when I look around and see so many people going down a self-destructive path. It disturbs me even more when so many justify it to themselves and others by saying "God loves me." Every time I have gone to a church where LGBT people are welcome it feels hollow and more of an ego stroking session than sincere spirituality as the minister harps on and on about God loving gays. Yes, God loves us, but that doesn't mean He is handing out free rides to eternity. In my personal spiritual quest to reconcile my spirituality and sexuality one of the great messages I received from the Spirit was that while God accepts my sexuality and it is best for me to seek a male partner I don't have carte blanche on sexual behavior: I do not believe casual sexual hook ups are healthy, mentally or physically; I do not believe the way to find a boyfriend is to sleep around until I find a guy who wants to have sex with me more than once; I do not believe constant sexual innuendo is a healthy form of speaking about sex and sexuality--I believe it is the opposite extreme of treating sexual discussions as an absolute taboo. I am tired of trying to date, only to be required to wade through seas of men only looking for their next sexual escapade. I am tired of being expected to condone self-destructive behavior. I am tired of the bitchiness, the riotous lifestyles, and anger I am expected to immerse myself in.

I am tired.

So, I am left in a limbo, the space between worlds. I am both and neither, a complex entity. Occasionally, I hear a voice or a hand is extended for a moment. At the end of the day, however, it is only me and God in this place.

My Personal Articles of Faith

With the last two posts I made criticizing Elder Hafen's talk to Evergreen International, I feel I should do something more spiritually positive. This evening at my weekly group therapy session, we talked about issues with attending church meetings and the mixed feelings we have. While the tone was often of frustration and feeling hurt, it was also an atmosphere of sharing deep spiritual beliefs and experiences. I thought about the experience and decided to write my own Articles of Faith, modeled after the LDS Articles of Faith.

1. I believe in God, my Eternal Father, and in my personal Savior, Jesus Christ, and in the Comforter, the Holy Ghost. I have experienced their power and influence in my life and cherish my personal relationship with them.


2. I believe people will be, and must be, accountable for their own choices, thoughts, and actions. Although we are to teach, admonish, and help our brothers and sisters, neither myself nor God can force a person to make a certain decision, to act a certain way, or to travel a certain destiny.


3. I believe that through the Atonement of Christ I may be saved, by developing a personal relationship with the Savior and obedience to direction he gives me for my life through the laws and ordinances of the Gospel, scriptural study, revelation given through others, and--most importantly--the personal guidance and revelation He gives me.


4. I believe the the guiding principles of the Gospel are: first, faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, repentance and a complete willingness to do whatever the Lord may ask of me; third, seeking and maintaining a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost; fourth, living by the council and guidance I receive.


5. I believe men are called of God, by prophecy, and set apart by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof. I believe many are called of God, by prophecy, to administer in many other ways for the preaching of the Gospel and progression of the Kingdom of God. I believe being called of God does not make a person infallible, immune to valid criticism, or otherwise deify that person in any way.


6. I believe in the organization of the Church of Christ and in the offices there in, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.


7. I believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth as I have experienced their manifestation and power in my own life.


8. I believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; I also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly. Each contains much that is not fully understood and is left to personal interpretation.


9. I believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and I believe He has yet to reveal many great and important things. I do not believe in those who may say, "All is understood. All is revealed. No more is needed."


10. I believe in the gathering of Israel, both literal descendants and "adopted" members; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory.


11. I claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of my own conscience, and believe all men must have the same privilege.


12. I believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law, in so far as they are just. I believe religion and government must stand separate as long as both are administered by imperfect men and women.


13. I believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men. I follow the admonition of Paul--I continuously ponder on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and whatever is good and virtuous.

The Birth of Joe d'Arc

Joe d'Arc isn't my name. It is a handle I use on the internet, for video games, and other such things. This handle came about from an unusual compliment I received from a former teacher in the spring of 2008.

I met up with the teacher when I went back to the community college I had graduated from the previous semester to get a haircut at the barbering school there. (I wear a simple hairstyle, and $2 is a very good price for my budget.) After my haircut I decided to drop in on some of the teachers, and others, I had developed a friendly relationship with. This particular teacher I had the pleasure of getting to know quite well, and we had had a number of long discussions about various topics in the past. When I ran into him, he was just about to go to lunch and invited me to eat with him.

Our discussion quickly went to him asking me about dealing with my sexuality and dealing with my spiritual/religious life having been raised LDS. He often talked to me about this as he found it very interesting how I had come to be very comfortable with my sexuality while still maintaining strong spiritual beliefs from my LDS upbringing. He is a person who takes a much more agnostic, or even anti-religious view. I told him how I had recently decided to stop attending LDS church meetings due to my Bishop confronting me about expressing my disagreement with the lesson material when homosexuality was brought up during the Elders' Quorum meeting. Although I had tried to be as tactful and respectful as possible, it had apparently offended some of the other men (I don't know who they were). The only part I wish I had handled differently was leaving my Bishop's office yelling at him as I felt he was bullying me, implying I was not welcome unless I was going to sit quietly and totally agree with whatever was said.

As I told the story to my former teacher he made the comment, "You are just like Joan of Arc." At first I wondered if he might mean he saw me tied to a stake to be burned in my future. All I really knew at the time about Joan of Arc was the basics about her claim of having been told by God to lead a crusade, doing so, and then being burned at the stake for heresy by the Catholic church. I quickly realized the comparison was meant as a compliment to my willingness to stand up to authority figures in the LDS church hierarchy and stand by my beliefs about what I have personally experienced spiritually that has brought me to embrace both my sexuality and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

When I got back home, I decided to do a little research on Joan of Arc to see what about her I seemed to share. As I scanned the Wikipedia entry on her I became intrigued by what I learned. Despite her peasant status, being illiterate, and being a woman (which was a major part of the charges against her by the Catholic church) the records of her showed an incredibly intelligent woman of profound faith and strength. I have come to love how she responded to a question meant to trap her during her trial. When asked if she was in God's grace--something no one is supposed to be able to know either way--she responded, "If I am not, may God put me there; and if I am, may God so keep me."

Impressed by my research and liking the fact the comparison came from someone else, whom I respect, I decided to embrace the comparison. And so, I came up with the name Joe d'Arc: a male modification of Joan of Arc (or Jeanne d'Arc in the original French variation).

LGBT Christian Groups and Not Feeling Welcome As a Mormon

I was recently invited to join an online community group for LGBT Christians called the Gay Christian Resource Center. Upon registering I noticed a thread existed titled "The Mormon Faith." In it I found the old veiled bash fest on the LDS faith as a non-Christian faith. Disapointed, I felt the need to respond to a couple of the posts.


Re: The Mormon Faith
Postby FantasyGaymer » July 22nd, 2009, 5:50 am

Sozo wrote: I'm not trying to play tit for tat, but they don't believe that any of us are going to Heaven unless we believe like they do. It doesn't matter what Christian denomination of world faith you are, you have to be Mormon, and they believe you'll be given that chance again, which indicates to me that it is a cult like religion.

I feel the need to make a response to this as it is an argument I hear so often to denounce Latter-day Saints (Mormons) as non-Christians. Asking whether or not Latter-day Saints are Christians is asking if they can obtain salvation through the following of and faith in the teachings of the religion. The point of Christian religion is not to have religion, per se, but to teach and lead people to salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ. Understandably, people will find it offensive when a different faith organization/religious institution claims to be the only way to receive salvation. However, to use this as a way to find fault with the religion and say it is false in its teachings leads to a logical catch twenty-two. My experience has been that people who use this argument do not realize they are doing the very thing they are denouncing. For one to say another religion is false (not Christian) is to claim one's own faith has the right teachings and directly implies one's religion is required over others for salvation, which is the very thing they are denouncing. Therefore, if we take the argument far enough, not only are they denouncing the other, they are denouncing themselves as Christian for claiming proprietary access to salvation. In the end every denomination, even within Christianity itself, has this underlying claim. If it were not for this why is there any distinction between denominations, even those who now socially claim solidarity? If you go back far enough in time (I know the nineteenth century is far enough) there was no such solidarity between the Protestant faiths. Each one condemned all the others to hell on a regular basis and claimed to have the only true faith by which to receive salvation.

With that said, I understand many of the other arguments being made. I can see how they can be legitimate bases to argue the validity of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as a Christian church. At the same time, while it is clear many of you know some of the more "interesting" points of doctrine to the faith I must say it is apparent you missed the lead up to and purpose of those beliefs. I know much of it may seem quite strange to you looking in from the outside. I hope you all realize how strange any religion seems when you are only taking glaces from the outside, such as most of you seem to be doing.

Pastor Weekly wrote: It can walk like a duck... It can talk like a duck... But, if it doesn't believe like a duck, it ain't a duck. I don't believe Mormons are Christians, and I don't find any solidarity with their system of beliefs whatsoever. Satan himself is able to masquerade as an angel of light, so I'm unmoved by whatever virtues or positive qualities are resident within their system of beliefs and/or their adherents.

If you hadn't guessed by now, I was raised in the LDS faith. I attended and graduated from the Seminary program and served a full-time, proselytizing missing. My faith in the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer is based on this background. Also, my belief that my Heavenly Father is accepting of my sexuality comes, ironically, from the spiritual practices and scriptural knowledge I gained from the decades I spent with the LDS faith. I am not currently active with the church as its strong anti-LGBT policies makes for a hostile feeling environment. Based on Pastor Weekly's statement--with all due respect to his position as Pastor and site administrator--this community does not appear to be a welcoming environment either.

With Love in Christ,
Ryan

An Open Letter To Family, Friends, Etc.

Dear Relatives and Friends,

I cannot properly express the amount of time I have spent in contemplation, heartache, and prayer so I may write this letter in accordance to the Holy Spirit and so you may also be open to what I write. I know some of you will not receive this as I intend it. However, I feel an overwhelming drive to at least try and give an opportunity for proper communication; my conscience will not allow me to do otherwise.

Nearly ten years ago I came out as a gay man. In the time since I have struggled to find my way through life in relationship to society in general, my LDS upbringing, and with you collectively and individually. I thank those of you who have been supportive and worked to actually hear me and understand what I have done in my life. For those who have been dismissive, I only hope one day you will open up to truly hearing me.

I have already written much in regard to my sexuality, especially in relation to the LDS Church and my personal relationship with the Savior. This latter relationship in particular has been a difficult point for many of you to understand. Many people have tried to gently call me to repentance by saying things like, “I just want you to remember your Primary days … you ARE a Child of God. I know that and I hope you will always remember that,” or telling me all I need to do is accept Jesus Christ as my Savior to be “cured” of my homosexuality. To those who tell me such things, or want to, I think you perhaps assume too much. I admit the first years of being “out” were spent away from God and the fundamentals I learned in Primary. However, the past few years that has not been the case. So many encourage me to turn to Christ, offering myself entirely to His will, as if I have not already done so.

What I went through was not a simple prayer one day, as some have assumed. I spent days, weeks, months in prayer and fasting. I did everything I could think of to make myself open to the Still Small Voice of the Holy Ghost and be able to hear it clearly. When I received an answer I checked it against everything I had ever learned from the Scriptures, church lessons, Seminary and Institute classes, General Conference talks, anything approved by the Church that was out there to know whether it was right or wrong. I even continued in prayer, fasting, church attendance, and Institute classes after receiving very powerful, direct answers to my prayers to make sure what I experienced was not just a defense mechanism telling me what I wanted to hear, or that it was the product of psychological dysfunction. I have dug deep into my psyche and soul and found layers of understanding most people never even consider. I continue to probe ever deeper and have no desire to stop.

Over the years my spirit has been touched in ways and my mind opened to things I consider too sacred to share here. What I will say is I know God accepts me embracing my homosexuality and even seeking a male partner—“husband”—to share my life with. This is not a carte blanche on my sexual behavior or a statement on how others have dealt with their issues of sexuality and marriage. Also, although my Spiritual experiences have been nearly entirely about what is best for me, part is also the need to discuss this issue with others--e.g., this letter--to open up more dialogue and understanding on both sides of the issue. This is not to say I know all the answers to the questions these answers from the Holy Ghost bring up. Much has yet to be revealed to me, and I doubt all of it will come in this lifetime. What I do know is I have received profound guidance for this life and I cannot turn away from it. As it says in Joseph Smith—History (1:25), “For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation.”

Some have taken the struggles of my life over the past years as evidence of being wrong about my spiritual experiences. The struggles I go through are against those who would have me go against what God has reveled to me by insisting I must do as they think God wants me to do. I am at peace with Heavenly Father and the Savior, not with the world around me. I think it better to struggle against man for the space to do as God has told me is best for me than go against Him to appease those around me. I did it once before, believing those people knew what God wanted. I doubt many of you truly understand what my mission experience was like; I will only say here it nearly cost me my life and my relationship with the Savior.

My desire to write this letter comes from the great difficulty I have experienced over the past year. At the end of 2007 my last Bishop made it very clear I was not welcome in the ward if I was not going to agree with whatever was said at Church meetings. I have mourned the loss of community and Spiritual uplifting I gained from attending. However, I know what my Bishop insisted on would be more damaging to me spiritually than stepping away. Also, the turbulent debates and demonstrations caused by California’s Proposition 8 have left me feeling I live in a world gone mad. Both sides of the argument have overstepped lines and acted less than appropriately. In many ways I feel threatened physically, socially, and spiritually. In regards to the LDS Church, I have been particularly disappointed. Much of what the Church said and posted online officially over their involvement struck me as rather disingenuous and even unethical in their use of arguments and supporting documentation. Over Christmas I got into a very heated debate with an uncle over the issue. Like my uncle, many have tried to defend the Church in its involvement in Proposition 8, or other issues about homosexuality. It quickly becomes apparent they are completely unaware of what has actually been said or has happened over the issue. Some don’t even seem to understand what homosexuality actually is. I strongly ask all of you to take time to educate yourself on the issue*--if not for me then for those you will discuss it with in the future. As Cloy Jenkins writes, “Those who insist on speaking out on homosexuality should first know what they are talking about.”

Sincerely,
Ryan Hollist

* A good source, which covers many of the basic and key issues, is Prologue by Cloy Jenkins, et al.

Where Arguments Over Prop 8 End Up

In debating over Proposition 8, I have been involved in a discussion--argument, fight--with one Scott Baxter (Orange County, CA). The line eventually lead to the issue of God. I feel parts of the recent thread are worth sharing and keeping here.

As for my relationship with God, I think you perhaps assume to much. You are right that there is something in reading this that reminds me to look to Him for support. You encourage turning to Him, offering myself entirely to His will and accepting Jesus and Lord as if I had not. I have Scott, years ago. It was not a simple general prayer one day. I spent months in prayer and fasting listening to the Holy Spirit to give me guidance in how God would have me deal with my sexuality. Even after receiving very powerful, direct answers I continued on to make sure it was not just a defense mechanism telling me what I wanted to hear. I have dug deep into my psyche and soul and found layers of understanding most people never even consider. I continue to probe ever deeper and have no desire to stop. Over the years my soul has been touched in ways and my mind opened to things I consider too sacred to speak of in detail in this kind of forum. What I will say is I know God is totally accepting of me embracing my homosexuality and seeking a male partner--"husband"--to share my life with. This is not a carte blanche on my sexual behavior or a statement on how others have dealt with their issues of sexuality and marriage. However, just because something can be misused does not negate the use of it for good, and I hope you can understand why I feel so passionately about the issue of same-sex marriage. As for the struggle you see, it is against those who would have me go against what God has revealed to me to fit what they think God wants. I would think it better to fight man for the space to do as God has told me is good for me to do than go against Him to appease those around me. I did it once before, believing those people knew what God wanted; it not only nearly cost me my life but my soul as well.

I do not wish you ill, Scott, but I will fight you if you insist on trying to make me go against God's will for my life.