Joe d'Arc isn't my name. It is a handle I use on the internet, for video games, and other such things. This handle came about from an unusual compliment I received from a former teacher in the spring of 2008.
I met up with the teacher when I went back to the community college I had graduated from the previous semester to get a haircut at the barbering school there. (I wear a simple hairstyle, and $2 is a very good price for my budget.) After my haircut I decided to drop in on some of the teachers, and others, I had developed a friendly relationship with. This particular teacher I had the pleasure of getting to know quite well, and we had had a number of long discussions about various topics in the past. When I ran into him, he was just about to go to lunch and invited me to eat with him.
Our discussion quickly went to him asking me about dealing with my sexuality and dealing with my spiritual/religious life having been raised LDS. He often talked to me about this as he found it very interesting how I had come to be very comfortable with my sexuality while still maintaining strong spiritual beliefs from my LDS upbringing. He is a person who takes a much more agnostic, or even anti-religious view. I told him how I had recently decided to stop attending LDS church meetings due to my Bishop confronting me about expressing my disagreement with the lesson material when homosexuality was brought up during the Elders' Quorum meeting. Although I had tried to be as tactful and respectful as possible, it had apparently offended some of the other men (I don't know who they were). The only part I wish I had handled differently was leaving my Bishop's office yelling at him as I felt he was bullying me, implying I was not welcome unless I was going to sit quietly and totally agree with whatever was said.
As I told the story to my former teacher he made the comment, "You are just like Joan of Arc." At first I wondered if he might mean he saw me tied to a stake to be burned in my future. All I really knew at the time about Joan of Arc was the basics about her claim of having been told by God to lead a crusade, doing so, and then being burned at the stake for heresy by the Catholic church. I quickly realized the comparison was meant as a compliment to my willingness to stand up to authority figures in the LDS church hierarchy and stand by my beliefs about what I have personally experienced spiritually that has brought me to embrace both my sexuality and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.
When I got back home, I decided to do a little research on Joan of Arc to see what about her I seemed to share. As I scanned the Wikipedia entry on her I became intrigued by what I learned. Despite her peasant status, being illiterate, and being a woman (which was a major part of the charges against her by the Catholic church) the records of her showed an incredibly intelligent woman of profound faith and strength. I have come to love how she responded to a question meant to trap her during her trial. When asked if she was in God's grace--something no one is supposed to be able to know either way--she responded, "If I am not, may God put me there; and if I am, may God so keep me."
Impressed by my research and liking the fact the comparison came from someone else, whom I respect, I decided to embrace the comparison. And so, I came up with the name Joe d'Arc: a male modification of Joan of Arc (or Jeanne d'Arc in the original French variation).
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Respect for Marriage Act Introduced
I am very happy to see the Respect for Marriage Act intriduced to the House of Representatives by Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY). The bill is to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which was passed back in 1996 before there were any states, or other countries, that legally recognized same-sex unions. I know there will be many who will see this bill as some kind of attack on existing marriage or somehow trying to force all of the United States, and religions therein, to accept, perform, and celebrate marriages by same-sex couples; but that is not the case with this bill.
DOMA, in short, defines the only marriages recognized by the federal government as between a man and a woman. In effect, this has caused many gay and lesbian couples to still be denied many of the rights, protections, and responsibilities granted by marriage and regulated by the federal government (upwards of 1,000 in all) even when they are fully, legally recognized as married by their state. This federal loophole has created a number of SNAFU situations with married gay and lesbian couples. For example, in the state of Massachusetts, the first state to license same-sex marriages, filing taxes is problematic. The Massachusetts state tax filing laws require a person to file in the state using the same status as they did for their federal return. Although a couple is legally recognized by the state, the federal government does not recognize their marriage, and therefore each person must file federally as single. In turn the state effectively requires them to also file as single. I have long felt this unequal recognition of marriages by the federal government, while it is up to the states to determine their own marriage laws, Constitutionally questionable.
The Respect of Marriage Act is only to repeal DOMA and return the federal government back to its previous method of marriage recognition: if the state legally recognizes the marriage the federal government legally recognizes the marriage. Period. There is nothing telling any person, religion, or state what marriages they may or may not recognize, license, or celebrate. The First Amendment clearly protects these rights of religions to choose their own qualifications for religious marriage. What the passing of the Respect for Marriage Act will do is allow those gay and lesbian couples who are licensed a marriage will be able to receive the rights, benefits, and responsibilities given to all married couples to help them strengthen and maintain their relationship, thereby strengthening the communities and societies they live in.
DOMA, in short, defines the only marriages recognized by the federal government as between a man and a woman. In effect, this has caused many gay and lesbian couples to still be denied many of the rights, protections, and responsibilities granted by marriage and regulated by the federal government (upwards of 1,000 in all) even when they are fully, legally recognized as married by their state. This federal loophole has created a number of SNAFU situations with married gay and lesbian couples. For example, in the state of Massachusetts, the first state to license same-sex marriages, filing taxes is problematic. The Massachusetts state tax filing laws require a person to file in the state using the same status as they did for their federal return. Although a couple is legally recognized by the state, the federal government does not recognize their marriage, and therefore each person must file federally as single. In turn the state effectively requires them to also file as single. I have long felt this unequal recognition of marriages by the federal government, while it is up to the states to determine their own marriage laws, Constitutionally questionable.
The Respect of Marriage Act is only to repeal DOMA and return the federal government back to its previous method of marriage recognition: if the state legally recognizes the marriage the federal government legally recognizes the marriage. Period. There is nothing telling any person, religion, or state what marriages they may or may not recognize, license, or celebrate. The First Amendment clearly protects these rights of religions to choose their own qualifications for religious marriage. What the passing of the Respect for Marriage Act will do is allow those gay and lesbian couples who are licensed a marriage will be able to receive the rights, benefits, and responsibilities given to all married couples to help them strengthen and maintain their relationship, thereby strengthening the communities and societies they live in.
Limbaugh's Racism Goes Too Far, Even For Him
Today on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, a clip from Rush Limbaugh was played that struck me as going far beyond what even Limbaugh would say.
As Olbermann points out, Limbaugh is most likely going on a hyperbolic rant to make it seem like all white people are racists. Looking at Limbaugh's own website it is clear he is speaking from his imagined position of what "Obama's America" is trying to indoctrinate us into believing.
I don't know what is more nauseating, Limbaugh's own racism or the racism he is trying to project out to onto America. I am horrified that he would sit at his micorphone saying there are people who believe school buses should be segregated (with even a subtext of an apartheid level of segregation), that the left sees everything through some racial lens, and on and on. Although he couches this in a type of hyperbolic, somewhat satirical, speaking-plain-the-subtext-of-my-enemy rant it still turns my stomach to hear him say it. I cannot help having a gut reaction to the anger and hatred pouring out from Limbaugh is the inverted projection of his own extremely racist beliefs.
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As Olbermann points out, Limbaugh is most likely going on a hyperbolic rant to make it seem like all white people are racists. Looking at Limbaugh's own website it is clear he is speaking from his imagined position of what "Obama's America" is trying to indoctrinate us into believing.
I don't know what is more nauseating, Limbaugh's own racism or the racism he is trying to project out to onto America. I am horrified that he would sit at his micorphone saying there are people who believe school buses should be segregated (with even a subtext of an apartheid level of segregation), that the left sees everything through some racial lens, and on and on. Although he couches this in a type of hyperbolic, somewhat satirical, speaking-plain-the-subtext-of-my-enemy rant it still turns my stomach to hear him say it. I cannot help having a gut reaction to the anger and hatred pouring out from Limbaugh is the inverted projection of his own extremely racist beliefs.
Once Upon a Time, I Had a Blog
Back in 2005-06 I had a MySpace account. With the account I kept a bit of a blog that was mainly a public journal about whatever was happening day-to-day in my life. I also put up a number of things on my profile where I was very open about my sexuality. Among them was a bumper sticker like picture I had made.
This prompted a message from a "woman" I had never met before.
Later I received another, apparently unrelated message from a "man" whom I had even less connection with.
Title: fagI was not pleased.
Body: i just wanted to let you know how sick you make me...i went to davis high too and the alumni would be sickened by your sick choice in lifestyle....no mormon guy...or girl...of any religion for that matter would ever date you;...wake up and smell reality....you say you were born gay and i have to accept that...i say i was born hating gays and you have to accept that.
Later I received another, apparently unrelated message from a "man" whom I had even less connection with.
Title: (no subject)I share this for a couple reasons. First, this is why I have been reluctant to get back to blogging. Having a blog open to the world, and being on the Internet in general, leaves one open to the crazy lashings of the unhinged out in the world. All one has to do for proof is go to a site like YouTube.com or other public place to see the senseless postings of hatred. Second, these incidents are why I have chosen to restrict comments on my blog to only those who are members of this blog with constant comment monitoring. I have it available to be found and read by anyone, but I do not care to put up with people who derive sick delight in hating others via the Internet.
Body: did ur dick fall off is that y u r gay?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
LGBT Christian Groups and Not Feeling Welcome As a Mormon
I was recently invited to join an online community group for LGBT Christians called the Gay Christian Resource Center. Upon registering I noticed a thread existed titled "The Mormon Faith." In it I found the old veiled bash fest on the LDS faith as a non-Christian faith. Disapointed, I felt the need to respond to a couple of the posts.
Re: The Mormon Faith
Postby FantasyGaymer » July 22nd, 2009, 5:50 am
I feel the need to make a response to this as it is an argument I hear so often to denounce Latter-day Saints (Mormons) as non-Christians. Asking whether or not Latter-day Saints are Christians is asking if they can obtain salvation through the following of and faith in the teachings of the religion. The point of Christian religion is not to have religion, per se, but to teach and lead people to salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ. Understandably, people will find it offensive when a different faith organization/religious institution claims to be the only way to receive salvation. However, to use this as a way to find fault with the religion and say it is false in its teachings leads to a logical catch twenty-two. My experience has been that people who use this argument do not realize they are doing the very thing they are denouncing. For one to say another religion is false (not Christian) is to claim one's own faith has the right teachings and directly implies one's religion is required over others for salvation, which is the very thing they are denouncing. Therefore, if we take the argument far enough, not only are they denouncing the other, they are denouncing themselves as Christian for claiming proprietary access to salvation. In the end every denomination, even within Christianity itself, has this underlying claim. If it were not for this why is there any distinction between denominations, even those who now socially claim solidarity? If you go back far enough in time (I know the nineteenth century is far enough) there was no such solidarity between the Protestant faiths. Each one condemned all the others to hell on a regular basis and claimed to have the only true faith by which to receive salvation.
With that said, I understand many of the other arguments being made. I can see how they can be legitimate bases to argue the validity of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as a Christian church. At the same time, while it is clear many of you know some of the more "interesting" points of doctrine to the faith I must say it is apparent you missed the lead up to and purpose of those beliefs. I know much of it may seem quite strange to you looking in from the outside. I hope you all realize how strange any religion seems when you are only taking glaces from the outside, such as most of you seem to be doing.
If you hadn't guessed by now, I was raised in the LDS faith. I attended and graduated from the Seminary program and served a full-time, proselytizing missing. My faith in the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer is based on this background. Also, my belief that my Heavenly Father is accepting of my sexuality comes, ironically, from the spiritual practices and scriptural knowledge I gained from the decades I spent with the LDS faith. I am not currently active with the church as its strong anti-LGBT policies makes for a hostile feeling environment. Based on Pastor Weekly's statement--with all due respect to his position as Pastor and site administrator--this community does not appear to be a welcoming environment either.
With Love in Christ,
Ryan
Re: The Mormon Faith
Postby FantasyGaymer » July 22nd, 2009, 5:50 am
Sozo wrote: I'm not trying to play tit for tat, but they don't believe that any of us are going to Heaven unless we believe like they do. It doesn't matter what Christian denomination of world faith you are, you have to be Mormon, and they believe you'll be given that chance again, which indicates to me that it is a cult like religion.
I feel the need to make a response to this as it is an argument I hear so often to denounce Latter-day Saints (Mormons) as non-Christians. Asking whether or not Latter-day Saints are Christians is asking if they can obtain salvation through the following of and faith in the teachings of the religion. The point of Christian religion is not to have religion, per se, but to teach and lead people to salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ. Understandably, people will find it offensive when a different faith organization/religious institution claims to be the only way to receive salvation. However, to use this as a way to find fault with the religion and say it is false in its teachings leads to a logical catch twenty-two. My experience has been that people who use this argument do not realize they are doing the very thing they are denouncing. For one to say another religion is false (not Christian) is to claim one's own faith has the right teachings and directly implies one's religion is required over others for salvation, which is the very thing they are denouncing. Therefore, if we take the argument far enough, not only are they denouncing the other, they are denouncing themselves as Christian for claiming proprietary access to salvation. In the end every denomination, even within Christianity itself, has this underlying claim. If it were not for this why is there any distinction between denominations, even those who now socially claim solidarity? If you go back far enough in time (I know the nineteenth century is far enough) there was no such solidarity between the Protestant faiths. Each one condemned all the others to hell on a regular basis and claimed to have the only true faith by which to receive salvation.
With that said, I understand many of the other arguments being made. I can see how they can be legitimate bases to argue the validity of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as a Christian church. At the same time, while it is clear many of you know some of the more "interesting" points of doctrine to the faith I must say it is apparent you missed the lead up to and purpose of those beliefs. I know much of it may seem quite strange to you looking in from the outside. I hope you all realize how strange any religion seems when you are only taking glaces from the outside, such as most of you seem to be doing.
Pastor Weekly wrote: It can walk like a duck... It can talk like a duck... But, if it doesn't believe like a duck, it ain't a duck. I don't believe Mormons are Christians, and I don't find any solidarity with their system of beliefs whatsoever. Satan himself is able to masquerade as an angel of light, so I'm unmoved by whatever virtues or positive qualities are resident within their system of beliefs and/or their adherents.
If you hadn't guessed by now, I was raised in the LDS faith. I attended and graduated from the Seminary program and served a full-time, proselytizing missing. My faith in the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer is based on this background. Also, my belief that my Heavenly Father is accepting of my sexuality comes, ironically, from the spiritual practices and scriptural knowledge I gained from the decades I spent with the LDS faith. I am not currently active with the church as its strong anti-LGBT policies makes for a hostile feeling environment. Based on Pastor Weekly's statement--with all due respect to his position as Pastor and site administrator--this community does not appear to be a welcoming environment either.
With Love in Christ,
Ryan
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Proposed Op-ed Letter Re: Gayle Ruzicka & Common Ground Bills
January 27, 2009, the first of a group of bills known as the “Common Ground” bills was heard, debated, and defeated in committee. I am disappointed this Wrongful Death bill was put down so quickly. However, I am more deeply disturbed by the tone and rhetoric some took in the debate over the issue.
At the committee hearing Gayle Ruzicka testified against the entire “Common Ground” bills, not just this first bill. Her rhetoric, as usual, was intensely conservative and inflammatory. “It is the same liberal people who support gay rights that also support the killing of unborn children,” she said. Are we truly to believe that any extension of civil rights to the LGBT people is also to remove any and all restraint on abortion? I, for one, do not fit this simplistic definition of one who supports gay rights.
Ms. Ruzicka’s rhetoric, lumping pro-abortion and pro-gay rights into one, reminds me of a similar comment. In 2006 a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy spoke at my LDS Stake Conference. During his talk he mentioned a time when he was asked why the LDS church opposed abortion and homosexuality. His response, “We oppose same-sex marriage and abortion because if everyone practiced them the entire human race would be destroyed in a single generation.” Although technically true, the “if” of this argument is so grossly absurd I would laugh were it not for the fact many have taken it to be very likely, even to the point of being a prophetic warning. I made sure to face and question the Elder in person on using the argument directly after the meeting.
And so I must ask Gayle Ruzicka, Sen. Chris Buttars (who headed the committee), and any others who hatefully and fearfully oppose anything with even the whiff of gay rights: is this what you fear? Do you truly believe in some apocalyptic implosion of human society should any of these rights be extended? I do not ask rhetorically either. I want to know directly from them. I want to hear from you, and I do not want the scripted talking points in response. I do not want the absurd, broad stroked simplicity that has dominated the public discourse on this issue. I want to hear it truthfully and sincerely. I want you to look deep inside and tell me what it is that causes you such fear that festers into so much anger.
I am very tired of dealing with people like Gayle Ruzicka and Sen. Chris Buttars. I am tired of their use of absurd logic, twisted arguments, and outright lies to influence civil policy. I am tired of those who accept such distorted discourse as truth. Mostly, I am tired of all the fighting that must be done so decent, productive people may live in this world without fear of abuse and harm. I can no longer hold a clear conscience without calling people like these out on their fallacious ideas and destructive philosophies. I and too many others have been harmed too much for too long to allow it to continue.
At the committee hearing Gayle Ruzicka testified against the entire “Common Ground” bills, not just this first bill. Her rhetoric, as usual, was intensely conservative and inflammatory. “It is the same liberal people who support gay rights that also support the killing of unborn children,” she said. Are we truly to believe that any extension of civil rights to the LGBT people is also to remove any and all restraint on abortion? I, for one, do not fit this simplistic definition of one who supports gay rights.
Ms. Ruzicka’s rhetoric, lumping pro-abortion and pro-gay rights into one, reminds me of a similar comment. In 2006 a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy spoke at my LDS Stake Conference. During his talk he mentioned a time when he was asked why the LDS church opposed abortion and homosexuality. His response, “We oppose same-sex marriage and abortion because if everyone practiced them the entire human race would be destroyed in a single generation.” Although technically true, the “if” of this argument is so grossly absurd I would laugh were it not for the fact many have taken it to be very likely, even to the point of being a prophetic warning. I made sure to face and question the Elder in person on using the argument directly after the meeting.
And so I must ask Gayle Ruzicka, Sen. Chris Buttars (who headed the committee), and any others who hatefully and fearfully oppose anything with even the whiff of gay rights: is this what you fear? Do you truly believe in some apocalyptic implosion of human society should any of these rights be extended? I do not ask rhetorically either. I want to know directly from them. I want to hear from you, and I do not want the scripted talking points in response. I do not want the absurd, broad stroked simplicity that has dominated the public discourse on this issue. I want to hear it truthfully and sincerely. I want you to look deep inside and tell me what it is that causes you such fear that festers into so much anger.
I am very tired of dealing with people like Gayle Ruzicka and Sen. Chris Buttars. I am tired of their use of absurd logic, twisted arguments, and outright lies to influence civil policy. I am tired of those who accept such distorted discourse as truth. Mostly, I am tired of all the fighting that must be done so decent, productive people may live in this world without fear of abuse and harm. I can no longer hold a clear conscience without calling people like these out on their fallacious ideas and destructive philosophies. I and too many others have been harmed too much for too long to allow it to continue.
Friday, January 16, 2009
An Open Letter To Family, Friends, Etc.
Dear Relatives and Friends,
I cannot properly express the amount of time I have spent in contemplation, heartache, and prayer so I may write this letter in accordance to the Holy Spirit and so you may also be open to what I write. I know some of you will not receive this as I intend it. However, I feel an overwhelming drive to at least try and give an opportunity for proper communication; my conscience will not allow me to do otherwise.
Nearly ten years ago I came out as a gay man. In the time since I have struggled to find my way through life in relationship to society in general, my LDS upbringing, and with you collectively and individually. I thank those of you who have been supportive and worked to actually hear me and understand what I have done in my life. For those who have been dismissive, I only hope one day you will open up to truly hearing me.
I have already written much in regard to my sexuality, especially in relation to the LDS Church and my personal relationship with the Savior. This latter relationship in particular has been a difficult point for many of you to understand. Many people have tried to gently call me to repentance by saying things like, “I just want you to remember your Primary days … you ARE a Child of God. I know that and I hope you will always remember that,” or telling me all I need to do is accept Jesus Christ as my Savior to be “cured” of my homosexuality. To those who tell me such things, or want to, I think you perhaps assume too much. I admit the first years of being “out” were spent away from God and the fundamentals I learned in Primary. However, the past few years that has not been the case. So many encourage me to turn to Christ, offering myself entirely to His will, as if I have not already done so.
What I went through was not a simple prayer one day, as some have assumed. I spent days, weeks, months in prayer and fasting. I did everything I could think of to make myself open to the Still Small Voice of the Holy Ghost and be able to hear it clearly. When I received an answer I checked it against everything I had ever learned from the Scriptures, church lessons, Seminary and Institute classes, General Conference talks, anything approved by the Church that was out there to know whether it was right or wrong. I even continued in prayer, fasting, church attendance, and Institute classes after receiving very powerful, direct answers to my prayers to make sure what I experienced was not just a defense mechanism telling me what I wanted to hear, or that it was the product of psychological dysfunction. I have dug deep into my psyche and soul and found layers of understanding most people never even consider. I continue to probe ever deeper and have no desire to stop.
Over the years my spirit has been touched in ways and my mind opened to things I consider too sacred to share here. What I will say is I know God accepts me embracing my homosexuality and even seeking a male partner—“husband”—to share my life with. This is not a carte blanche on my sexual behavior or a statement on how others have dealt with their issues of sexuality and marriage. Also, although my Spiritual experiences have been nearly entirely about what is best for me, part is also the need to discuss this issue with others--e.g., this letter--to open up more dialogue and understanding on both sides of the issue. This is not to say I know all the answers to the questions these answers from the Holy Ghost bring up. Much has yet to be revealed to me, and I doubt all of it will come in this lifetime. What I do know is I have received profound guidance for this life and I cannot turn away from it. As it says in Joseph Smith—History (1:25), “For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation.”
Some have taken the struggles of my life over the past years as evidence of being wrong about my spiritual experiences. The struggles I go through are against those who would have me go against what God has reveled to me by insisting I must do as they think God wants me to do. I am at peace with Heavenly Father and the Savior, not with the world around me. I think it better to struggle against man for the space to do as God has told me is best for me than go against Him to appease those around me. I did it once before, believing those people knew what God wanted. I doubt many of you truly understand what my mission experience was like; I will only say here it nearly cost me my life and my relationship with the Savior.
My desire to write this letter comes from the great difficulty I have experienced over the past year. At the end of 2007 my last Bishop made it very clear I was not welcome in the ward if I was not going to agree with whatever was said at Church meetings. I have mourned the loss of community and Spiritual uplifting I gained from attending. However, I know what my Bishop insisted on would be more damaging to me spiritually than stepping away. Also, the turbulent debates and demonstrations caused by California’s Proposition 8 have left me feeling I live in a world gone mad. Both sides of the argument have overstepped lines and acted less than appropriately. In many ways I feel threatened physically, socially, and spiritually. In regards to the LDS Church, I have been particularly disappointed. Much of what the Church said and posted online officially over their involvement struck me as rather disingenuous and even unethical in their use of arguments and supporting documentation. Over Christmas I got into a very heated debate with an uncle over the issue. Like my uncle, many have tried to defend the Church in its involvement in Proposition 8, or other issues about homosexuality. It quickly becomes apparent they are completely unaware of what has actually been said or has happened over the issue. Some don’t even seem to understand what homosexuality actually is. I strongly ask all of you to take time to educate yourself on the issue*--if not for me then for those you will discuss it with in the future. As Cloy Jenkins writes, “Those who insist on speaking out on homosexuality should first know what they are talking about.”
Sincerely,
Ryan Hollist
* A good source, which covers many of the basic and key issues, is Prologue by Cloy Jenkins, et al.
I cannot properly express the amount of time I have spent in contemplation, heartache, and prayer so I may write this letter in accordance to the Holy Spirit and so you may also be open to what I write. I know some of you will not receive this as I intend it. However, I feel an overwhelming drive to at least try and give an opportunity for proper communication; my conscience will not allow me to do otherwise.
Nearly ten years ago I came out as a gay man. In the time since I have struggled to find my way through life in relationship to society in general, my LDS upbringing, and with you collectively and individually. I thank those of you who have been supportive and worked to actually hear me and understand what I have done in my life. For those who have been dismissive, I only hope one day you will open up to truly hearing me.
I have already written much in regard to my sexuality, especially in relation to the LDS Church and my personal relationship with the Savior. This latter relationship in particular has been a difficult point for many of you to understand. Many people have tried to gently call me to repentance by saying things like, “I just want you to remember your Primary days … you ARE a Child of God. I know that and I hope you will always remember that,” or telling me all I need to do is accept Jesus Christ as my Savior to be “cured” of my homosexuality. To those who tell me such things, or want to, I think you perhaps assume too much. I admit the first years of being “out” were spent away from God and the fundamentals I learned in Primary. However, the past few years that has not been the case. So many encourage me to turn to Christ, offering myself entirely to His will, as if I have not already done so.
What I went through was not a simple prayer one day, as some have assumed. I spent days, weeks, months in prayer and fasting. I did everything I could think of to make myself open to the Still Small Voice of the Holy Ghost and be able to hear it clearly. When I received an answer I checked it against everything I had ever learned from the Scriptures, church lessons, Seminary and Institute classes, General Conference talks, anything approved by the Church that was out there to know whether it was right or wrong. I even continued in prayer, fasting, church attendance, and Institute classes after receiving very powerful, direct answers to my prayers to make sure what I experienced was not just a defense mechanism telling me what I wanted to hear, or that it was the product of psychological dysfunction. I have dug deep into my psyche and soul and found layers of understanding most people never even consider. I continue to probe ever deeper and have no desire to stop.
Over the years my spirit has been touched in ways and my mind opened to things I consider too sacred to share here. What I will say is I know God accepts me embracing my homosexuality and even seeking a male partner—“husband”—to share my life with. This is not a carte blanche on my sexual behavior or a statement on how others have dealt with their issues of sexuality and marriage. Also, although my Spiritual experiences have been nearly entirely about what is best for me, part is also the need to discuss this issue with others--e.g., this letter--to open up more dialogue and understanding on both sides of the issue. This is not to say I know all the answers to the questions these answers from the Holy Ghost bring up. Much has yet to be revealed to me, and I doubt all of it will come in this lifetime. What I do know is I have received profound guidance for this life and I cannot turn away from it. As it says in Joseph Smith—History (1:25), “For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation.”
Some have taken the struggles of my life over the past years as evidence of being wrong about my spiritual experiences. The struggles I go through are against those who would have me go against what God has reveled to me by insisting I must do as they think God wants me to do. I am at peace with Heavenly Father and the Savior, not with the world around me. I think it better to struggle against man for the space to do as God has told me is best for me than go against Him to appease those around me. I did it once before, believing those people knew what God wanted. I doubt many of you truly understand what my mission experience was like; I will only say here it nearly cost me my life and my relationship with the Savior.
My desire to write this letter comes from the great difficulty I have experienced over the past year. At the end of 2007 my last Bishop made it very clear I was not welcome in the ward if I was not going to agree with whatever was said at Church meetings. I have mourned the loss of community and Spiritual uplifting I gained from attending. However, I know what my Bishop insisted on would be more damaging to me spiritually than stepping away. Also, the turbulent debates and demonstrations caused by California’s Proposition 8 have left me feeling I live in a world gone mad. Both sides of the argument have overstepped lines and acted less than appropriately. In many ways I feel threatened physically, socially, and spiritually. In regards to the LDS Church, I have been particularly disappointed. Much of what the Church said and posted online officially over their involvement struck me as rather disingenuous and even unethical in their use of arguments and supporting documentation. Over Christmas I got into a very heated debate with an uncle over the issue. Like my uncle, many have tried to defend the Church in its involvement in Proposition 8, or other issues about homosexuality. It quickly becomes apparent they are completely unaware of what has actually been said or has happened over the issue. Some don’t even seem to understand what homosexuality actually is. I strongly ask all of you to take time to educate yourself on the issue*--if not for me then for those you will discuss it with in the future. As Cloy Jenkins writes, “Those who insist on speaking out on homosexuality should first know what they are talking about.”
Sincerely,
Ryan Hollist
* A good source, which covers many of the basic and key issues, is Prologue by Cloy Jenkins, et al.
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