Gay Men and the "Ideal" Body

A Facebook friend posed the questions below about gay men and physical attractiveness.  I wanted to share them, with my answers, as it goes along with my personal issues with body image and trying (or not trying, as is my current status) to date.

TRUE OR FALSE:
1) Gay men are primarily or even exclusively physically attracted to athletic, muscular builds (v-shaped torso, defined pecs and abs)

2) For gay men, physical attraction is the primary or even exclusive determinant in whether they will initiate a conversation with another gay man

3) For gay men, physical attraction is the primary or even exclusive determinant in whether they will respond to a conversation initiated by another gay man

4) Gay men place a higher priority on the physical aspects (including attraction and sexual chemistry/compatibility) of a prospective relationship than on the emotional aspects

5) The likelihood of any of the above statements being "true" for any individual gay man increases in proportion to how closely he approximates the "ideal" of male beauty (i.e. the above are more likely to be true of hunks/twinks than of bears)

For each of the above, please answer T/F for how accurately you feel it describes a *majority* of gay men and then again (if you're comfortable doing so, and if you are a gay man) for how accurately you feel it describes *you*.

For a visual approximation of what is being held as the "attractive" athletic, muscular builds here is this relatively modest picture:

Note: this is a stock image, I do not make any assumptions as to the actual sexuality of the models shown

Here are my responses to the questionnaire:

I'm actually seeking therapy for my messed up ideas on this subject. Where I think emotionally about the issue, and where my experience places it is that #1-4 are true, and #5 is false. As a large gay man (300+lbs) this goes hand in hand with very destructive self image issues. (I'm not sure which is the cause of the other; I do know they feed off of each other.)

As for my current personal reality:

1 - True. I'm predominantly attracted to athletic, muscular bodies. I do have attractions to men who are not that type, but not as strongly or as frequently.

2 - False. I will converse with most people regardless of how attractive I find them, unless they have some aspect I find an outright turn off. As I think about it, physical attraction may actually deter me some from trying to converse with some people.

3 - Part of me wants to say True. However, I'm not sure if this is the reality of the situation, or if I'm just projecting more of my insecurities. In the end I feel I must say, I don't know.

4 - True. I do think the majority of gay men do this. However, I don't think it's a vast majority. As for myself, this is one of the main issues as to why I'm seeking therapy. I realize I do this, but I don't want to be the kind of guy who does it. Also, given my emotional beliefs about the previous questions this attitude is very detrimental to my interaction with other gay men, and especially in my trying to date.

5 - False. As I've shown above, I'm definitely not one who falls into the "ideal" of physical attractiveness. However, I'm riddled with the attitudes of the previous statements. With gay men in general, my experience is that most go for that "ideal" attractiveness regardless of what they, themselves look like; that is why it is the "ideal". On the other side, I have not seen a strong correlation between those who prefer certain other types, such as bears, and their own appearance.

P.S.  I found this article rather interesting along with this discussion:  Gay Men's Body Image: Near 50 Percent Would Sacrifice 1 Year Of Their Lives For The Perfect Body, Survey Finds

Returning With A Conversation On Government Assistance

This blog has been quiet for some time.  Honestly, I just couldn't stand to write about things for a while.  Now, I feel the need to write a bit again.  I think it's because my health is improving, for the most part, and I am able to think things through and argue a bit better without succoming to major anxiety issues.

Today, I want to share a back and forth I've had on Facebook about the issue of assistance programs, in particular government programs.  Over the past months, and in the past few days in particular, I have noticed an increase in the comments and meme pictures about people abusing programs such as food stamps.  This morning I shared this picture:

with the caption/comment: "There seems to be a bit of a general meme lately ragging on people receiving assistance such as food stamps. Let's take a moment and look at the larger picture about government assistance."

I received a comment from a person whom I don't know, but apparently we know some people in common. I will identify their comments simply as from CKC.

CKC: The BIG difference is companies usually shows a return on investment and HELP out the economy vs. the other group that frequently only takes and gives nothing back to the economy.

Me: I think people too easily dismiss how much the poor contribute to the economy. Also, while assistance to the poor may not show quite the direct return, much study has gone into how it does make a return of investment to the economy and even government.

CKC: I do agree that many that receive assistance do eventually contribute to the economy......but all too many able adults play the "Oh, poor me card - the world owes me." I worked with a gentleman that had the IQ of probably a four year old. HE came to work everyday and cleaned our building and loved doing it. We also had a gentleman there that had lost his legs in a war. He worked just as hard as everyone else doing manual labor. HE was very fulfilled in life. A great guy. My children go to school with a child that has NO arms and NO legs. HE is unstoppable. You can not tell that child that he is disabled. He writes much neater than my children. He gets up stairs and down stairs all by himself. He plays sports. He can carve a pumpkin!

Me: Yes, and do you realize that many of those people you list will never be allowed/chosen to fill positions and earn enough to fully support themselves? These people work, in many ways harder than many "average" people. However, due to their conditions they will most likely need additional assistance to be able to afford to cover the medical needs they have to be and remain productive, contributing member of society. In fact these people are probably only able to be where they are and do what they due because of the very programs people are constantly saying are a waste because it just coddles a bunch of "freeloaders" and "parasites" who "give nothing back to the economy." As for "the world owes me," it's hardly just the poor who say that. Everyone, at some point in some way, say it. If anything I've seen that mentality more and more from the very wealthy over the past years.

What bothers me is the mentality I see of so many who completely dismiss anyone receiving assistance as inherently unworthy of it and even a waste of flesh. No consideration is given to what they may have contributed in the past, what they could contribute in the future, or what they are even contributing in the present. Another issue is how much people think it's easy to receive assistance. Putting aside the intense social stigma, personal shame, and all too often hidden soul breaking hardships people go through, I don't think many (any?) people who criticize the poor realize the onerous gauntlet it is to apply to, qualify for, and sustain oneself on public assistance programs. Nothing is just "given" out; everything is scrutinized; all claims must be validated over and over and over again; and the process takes months, if not years, before any actual benefits are paid. No surplus is given and none is allowed--and should a surplus somehow be obtained the assistance is quickly ended. People subsist on poor quality food because it's cheap, and that way they will at least have something to eat the next day. The housing one can afford is barely within zoning requirements, and grossly lacking in anything that would be considered a "comfort." Utilities and basic amenities that have become essential to functionality in today's world must be sacrificed because they are too much of a "luxury" compared to being able to eat and keep from freezing during the night. ...

... All the while, they must endure a constant stream of politician threatening to remove any and all support they have to their survival, and a constant barrage of shaming criticism from people who feel put upon because their actually very low taxes meant the difference between getting the new iPhone the day it came out or a couple weeks later.

My Resignation

Dear Utah (and US) job market (and general society):

I quit.

I no longer wish to deal with your expectations as they tear at my psyche and leave me feeling worthless and unwanted. I am not "highly energetic," "upbeat," or "outgoing." I do not multitask, answer phones, or "enjoy" trying to help the proudly mindless masses. I do not own a car, let alone have a driver's license--nor do I see myself getting them anytime in my future. I refuse to be marked down and treated as inefficient due to the flaws in your own systems and/or the failings of others. I am not willing to drop the care and management of my medical needs for the sake of your arbitrary hours of operation.

I am a highly focused, intelligent, efficient person. I practically thrive off of tedium. I enjoy organizing, thinking, and working at my own pace. I am melancholy in personality, but that does not mean I am unpleasant. I prefer to understand what I am doing and how it works with the larger process rather than just going at my part by rote.

Please contact me when you are willing to work with my capabilities and no longer demanding what I cannot give or do.

Sincerely,
Ryan R. Hollist

A Smashing Pride Kick Off

Last night I attended a party to kick off the SLC Pride weekend. The event was hosted by some friends of mine--whom I have not kept in touch with very well for the last couple years. It was good to see them again, even if we didn't really get to catch up much. I also enjoyed mashing buttons and getting thoroughly trounced in the Smash Brothers tournament. Other than that I was rather annoyed with the evening.

As I have been getting out and socializing more these days, I am realizing why I don't do it much in general to begin with. I don't keep the volume down as low as some people I know, but when I must strain my voice to speak it's too loud for me. After a while of being in the middle of the throbbing electronica, I had to go outside and lie on the grass to keep from being sick. Also, I don't drink alcohol, smoke, or care for... well... other stuff. I've never found any real enjoyment out of my experience with them. In fact, my system seems far more interested in trying to let me know how much it doesn't appreciate being exposed to any of it, rather than responding in whatever amazingly great way it seems to for so many others.

As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP*) I have a low threshold of tolerance for stimuli. Crocheting and watching MST3K is plenty exciting for me when it comes to an evening's entertainment. I think this is why I usually find general socializing with LDS people more tolerable than the gay community. The former tends to run at a more restrained level--sober, in multiple meaning of the word--that my system can tolerate.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
*This is from The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron. As a book about a general trait, this book describes me very, very well. If I had the money, I would buy a copy for every supervisor/manager and HR director I work with.

Finishing My Grandmother's Afghan

Last week my aunt, Karen, gave me a box full of knitted squares. These were done by her mother, whom we often called "Flo Baby," and a few other relatives. The project had started a few years ago when Karen saw an afghan in a magazine. The project was put aside when Flo was diagnosed with cancer and later passed away. The box sat for a couple years in storage.

With me starting Joe d'Arc Crochet, my step-mother, Marla and Karen sister, suggested I should be able to finish piecing together the squares. I spent the last week completing the project and delivered the finished project to Karen yesterday evening.

Working on this project has been an interesting experience for me. It has given me a sense of connecting with Flo after her passing as well as connecting with my aunt, Karen. It seemed especially appropriate to finish this project over this past week as all of Flo's daughters, all converts to the LDS church, did her temple work. I even did some of the work while sitting in the temple waiting room as they went through the sealing session.

No other project has given me such a profound sense of accomplishment as this one has.

Reviewing the Past In Light of the Present

Blogging has definitely become less of a priority for me. Another month has passed by without a post. I've had a number of things I've thought about writing about. However, it just doesn't seem like something I need to do so much. As I said before, I tend to write more when I'm down and negative. The past month has been one of continued, general improvement. At the moment I can say my general feelings of well-being and mental heath are the best they have been in at least five years. All this has made me wonder about what I have written on this blog in the past.

I started this blog as a way of trying to vent and deal with issues I had over the past couple years when I was in a poor state of mental health. As I read over past entries I can easily see the high level of general anxiety I was under during that time. However, I cannot think of much, if anything, I would change about what I wrote. Perhaps some subtle aspects of tone would change if I were to (re)write them now. One great validation to myself in reviewing these old posts is the ability I retained, despite the anxiety, of being able to still hear my internal voice of reason.

Over the past while I have had the experience of associating with and/or dealing with people who had no internal check on reason and rationality. As much as I have suffered in my own problems and condition I at least have been blessed to keep contact with at least some small part of my mind that tells me "This isn't rational." I'm so grateful for it, I have started to cry as I write this.

Back to Blogging

It has been over two months since my last post. The situation of my life made it a little difficult to comfortably sit down and write about what has been going on. There is something about using a computer that isn't one's own that just leaves one feeling not quite right about writing. (I realize it's kind of silly, especially since this gets openly published for the world to see.)

Over the past two months my general situation has notably improved. I feel very good about the level of care I am receiving and the competence of those administering it. Perhaps that is the other reason I haven't been blogging much: I feel more like writing when I'm down and negative. I got with a new nurse practitioner with Weber Human Services to monitor and manage my medications. We have things at a level that I feel is the best I've been in the last 2-3 years.

I am still unemployed. I have been looking, but with the market and economy as it is the cards seem stacked against me. I have started with a new Voc Rehab counselor here in Weber county. She admitted that it will be difficult for me as I have a rather choppy work history (the longest I've held a job over the past decade was a couple months short of two years). In the mean time I am still working on trying to get either SSI or SSDI coverage so I can take care of living expenses. However, I was told it would take around six months for a decision to be made about qualifying.

Probably the biggest piece of news in my life over the past few months is the small business I'm trying to get started selling my crochet work. I named it Joe d'Arc Crochet after my online alias (I also think Joe d'Arc is a little bit more marketable than Ryan Hollist).



I opened a store front on Etsy.com back in December and have listed the items I could from what materials I have available. So far it has been very slow, but some have shown interest. Just a couple weeks ago I decided to make as serious an effort as I can with this business. I made a basic flyer showing some of the work I've done and even made a Facebook fan page. I also contacted some local stores to see if they would be willing to sell some of my work on consignment. Last week the store manager of Cahoots (an LGBT themed novelty store in Salt Lake) said she would like to see my work and talk about selling some of my work. Other than that, it has been difficult trying to get things started. I've used what material I have and turned around the money I got from the couples sales I've had to replenish supplies. However, it is difficult trying to get any kind of business going when one has almost no capital to invest.

I have much more to write about, but I will put it in a separate post.